ana:lies

i have been considerate towards others
i’d think there would be a nice moment in this world
where the people i am being considerate towards
were considerate towards me

i feel like the things i notice are worthless
or the things i do are worthless
or the things i feel are worthless

because then people are fake
and inconsiderate
and oblivious
and only care about themselves
or in the moments that they say they do care about others
they don’t realize how they don’t mean it
how whatever is coming out of their mouth
sounds like routine. is heartless. is fake.

and it’s not them that i am most disgusted by, but by their mindset
and then i am second most disgusted by
how i think too much and esteem myself too highly in my own head and how this all amounts to nothing in the end.

i am making no progress.
i might as well just step backwards
step out of the flow of time
step out of this silly game.

take me out.

I don’t think it’s right in any way at all for the individual who sneezed to demand that other people say “Bless you” for them. =_=

i need to spell everything out thoroughly. i don’t tend towards shortcuts and i need to make sure everything along the way is clear. and i get stuck and i don’t move on. i feel like i need to explain every fiber of my being, every action and the reasons behind it, because i don’t want to be misunderstood. i want to make sure i’m understood. and if i explain everything even though you don’t ask me to then there’s no way you can’t understand why i am the way i am, right? but then people say i don’t owe the world any explanations, that this world doesn’t judge, that i don’t need to have everyone and everything so deeply tied into my existence. that i don’t need to go to great lengths just to make things easier for everyone, so that i don’t end up having to shoulder all the pain or the blame. but the truth is, i value everyone else’s existence more than my own. so, leave me be with my “i’m sorry”s and “excuse me”s and my rambles and my refusals to speak when my heart feels like it’s shutting down.

i’m torn. i feel like i need to be nice to you, world, ‘cause there really isn’t enough of that in the world. but then again, why should i? it’s not required of me. but i don’t want to feel that my effort is wasted. i think it is.

i just wish there were something that i could do to feel okay.

turned on the computer, and did useless things until claire and emmy came back from their morning rotc/army things. it must have been a sad sight, ehehe, me at the computer in the dark of the room, drapes closed and all. i didn’t even bother putting on my glasses.

Read More

WHY DO I MAKE SO MANY CARELESS MISTAKES
WHY WHY WHYYYYYYY
why do i not think things through?
why do i not hold myself back and double check?
why do i not read the freaking problem carefully?
WHYYYYYYYYYY
and why did i think it was a good idea to write “hydroxy” instead of “alcohol”

i need to study. i. will. beat. you. chemistry.

HUNYARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

Overpowering feeling of exhaustion and immense desire to sleep, worries, worries, and more worries, a tinge of inner sickness, swarming thoughts about what needs to be done and how to go about doing those things, butterflies (stomach-hungry butterflies), weak attempts at self-assurance, weak attempts at blocking out reality, slight heartbreak, slight longing, ever so thin glimmer of hope and a slowly growing anticipation and excitement towards starting college… Unexpected developments of character in individual, a surprising expansion of my universe, dominating moments of newly gained self-understanding.

Today in Driver’s Ed, there was this girl a row ahead of me who wore glasses, but still had to turn her head sideways to look at the stuff projected onto the screen. That bothered me, because, really, if you need glasses, and have glasses on… why do you have ones that aren’t helping you at all? Silly thing to think about… but augh, that really bothered me.

Class made me sleepy again. I figure the way to wake myself up more now is to wrap my hair into a super tight bun that nearly hurts. Yayyy for a summer lesson.

Open-ness is a characteristic I shall strive for; take advantage and manipulate as you wish, but what an awful person you would be.

I’m sleepy. Watching The End of Time Pt II, and I am sleepy.

Thurs/Fri/Sat was pretty good. Things didn’t go as planned of course, and right now I’m fighting the slight pain in my head and sleepiness. Dinner downstairs smells delicious, and sooner or later mother will call us down to eat, oh wait, that just happened. Urm, I need to catch up on my letter challenge. The one for Friday wasn’t done so well (-sigh-) and I missed doing yesterday’s even though I had the time to. Notice, the dates put with each thing? With the [date] like that, I just am telling myself I did it exactly on that day, meaning on time. With the (date) like that, that just indicates… day the challenge should have been done and that I am posting it… late. I feel like there is suddenly so much I should be doing now, and I can’t believe the end of July is coming so soon. So much to worry about. =_=;;

I’d like to tell stories of the wonderful adventure I got to have… but argh, I’m lazy, and it would be an overflow of words and useless commentary.

The nerves really get to me. All I’m doing is thinking. And worrying. I… gosh, omg. Not ready for this. NOT READY. And now I’m hoping that these people are awkward geeks like me, so I’m crossing my fingers and just getting ready to hold my head high even if embarrassment comes my way. Time to thrown on this character of confidence and assurance (or throw off the character of childishness and laziness?) and step in there without fear. Ugh. Who am I kidding.

I’ll do tomorrow’s challenge eventually.

(BTW, 1500 posts.)

AIM is giving me a headache and I fear for the life of my computer. I practiced violin for more than usual (usual being not at all), and I took my anger out on a drawer of clothes that seemed to just be poorly put together, thus coming apart when called to open. I go to sleep late for no reason and wake up so easily, to people talking downstairs about coming to wake me up. I spent way too much yesterday and I feel like I could handle the horrid task of shopping more adequately as long as I go with my sister (lol), but then again, what money do I have to really spend? My head is suffering from thinking about possibilities, and I’d rather continue punching 1” large stars from bright blue and purple paper so that I only have to think about how to punch so that I get the most stars out of a single sheet. I hate that some tasks require another to be finished first; I’d rather get the simple tasks out of the way and then spend as much as time as I can on the hard tasks… but then things don’t work that way and I am reluctant to finish something because it involves some tedious task that I don’t want to deal with. Reading chemistry is looking fun for right about now… but then I think it would be more necessary right now to sort through my clothes and figure out what the heck I am going to do about things. I’d be more of an outdoorsy person if I wasn’t so lazy to move, hahaha. I’m glad my nails are short again—things feel right, in that aspect of life.

I cannot stand them. They are getting in the way! Maybe if I cut them I’ll pick up my violin once in a long while, TEEHEE, argh.

accumulates in piles in my mind,
and i rearrange and rearrange and rearrange
fitting things like a puzzle so that i can just
cram more and more things in
and forget about the rest.

and all the important things i’m supposed to remember and keep fresh in my mind
get pushed so far back that i become reluctant to even try and get them out.

i need those things, but nothing seems worth the effort anymore.

this feeling of enormous weight right now
is truly the combination of all the little things,
all the sad smiles and cold unfeeling words,
of the forgotten tasks and the slight disappointments,
of “nevermind”s and alternate endings.
and i can do nothing to combat it.

thank goodness it is late (as usual)
and that i never video chat with people.

and yet, you’re still unsuspecting (or, at least, you seem to be).

My cell phone rings atop the table, and I refuse to answer. A few vibrations, a pause, a few more.

A solid black border sits partially filled, clumps floating around within, searching for a place at which to be fixed.

The remaining pieces are laid out before me, and the one I’ve been looking for all this time sits RIGHT THERE. I don’t realize it for what it is— it’s in too obvious a place, it seems too easy to find, so I skip over it, assigning it little significance in my mind, and search thoroughly everywhere else.

There’s something nagging at me, a hunch that it’s that one, but I refuse to believe it, and put the thought and feeling out of mind. Pretty soon I forget about it and don’t even consider it a possibility. There’s no way it’s that one, there’s no way that something like that could happen. I eliminate an answer choice on false perceptions. I’ll recognize my mistake when it’s over and scold myself for making too many assumptions. I’ll think, if only, and imagine the what-could-have-beens.

The piece won’t do anything to try to capture my attention. There’s no need for it to believe that it needs to. After all, it’s right there, and how blind can I be (even though I need glasses)? No waving, no flashing colors —the most ordinary of the ordinary. It has trust in my ability to keep an open mind and give everything a chance.

I don’t want to believe that that’s the piece I’m looking for; I don’t want to believe that a piece like that exists, there. That piece won’t fit. It’s just not right, it’s just… not what I want. Not what I expect. Not what I’m looking for.

The piece will realize I forgot about it. The piece will wonder if I forgot about it intentionally. The piece will worry about if it did anything wrong, if it’s shaped incorrectly, and if it’s from a different puzzle, but I won’t admit that it doesn’t belong there.

My puzzle sits unfinished and the glass of ice water creates a ring on the wooden table. The condensation won’t wait for a coaster to tell it its limitations. The ice bobs at the top, withering down like my desire to keep searching until it disappears.

And, in everything else, I seem to keep forgetting that different densities don’t (really) mix.

It’s the way the world works: Something needs to change if I’m ever going to move on.

I pick up the phone and turn it off.

that there are things being kept from me.

Read More

and for some reason, that makes it harder to remember. There are bits and pieces of it scattered around my brain, and I know for certain that I was worrying throughout the thing… It was some weird take on graduation preparations, like with a different auditorium, and there was this old rickety wooden dark staircase place connected to it where we were hanging out… And there was also this field/parking lot place like at Waipio Soccer Park. with those wooden barrier things lining the road, and that was right next to the buildings. I distinctly remember trying to get everyone food, but all we had was mostly grains, and for some reason, people kept giving ME their leftovers, so I had like rice, normal pieces of bread, bagels, and stuff like that. I felt sick, but I don’t think I ate it. I just remember being disgusted looking at it, and appalled as people were just like “Romee, I don’t want this anymore -gives-“. I also remember going to the table lined with foods, that were still all grain, and demanding fruit, which we didn’t get. I’m pretty sure I was the one running around trying to keep people satisfied and calm… And I know I was acting like a mother.

I distinctly remember, at a part, being all panicky and paranoid, because it was dark (like a dark and stormy night) outside, and a group of people were like “LET’S GO BORROW ______ (some horror movie) and watch it before the ceremony” and I was like NO GUYS YOU MIGHT BE TRAUMATIZED or something (in actuality, it might only be me that will be left afraid) and that would ruin the ceremony or whatever…

I also remember us lining up alphabetically allllllll along the wooden barriers, girls and boys mixed… and I remember walking up the alphabet, and somehow I ended up between Isaac and this guy who I think went to my elementary school. Freaking weird. Alphabetically WRONG. Hmmm…

In the hall, the seats were filled with us, and there was still that table with the food on it off to the side… But the lights were on and it felt like we were just chilling while it rained like crazy outside… And a group of people were doing some sort of production on stage? Like practicing, and that was supposed to be our ceremony… I remember there was this main guy, who kept changing outfits because he was some sort of double agent or whatever @_@ And I remember noticing that his outfits were never completely changed correctly, so it was like OH NO HIS SECRET WILL BE GIVEN AWAY! At one part I remember he had this black cap on and then the image of him reminded me of the character Kim Hyun Jun (definitely because I went to sleep after having the internet DIE before I finished ep. 6) as he was trying to get away from the N. Korean special forces and the Hungarians… I know I thought “That cap will give you away!” in both the dream and as I watched the drama, lol…

Then at some point they finished and it was like PHEW he didn’t get figured out or something. And then I realized that the person who was that main character was someone I knew and it was like HEY LOL! and they were in normal clothes (but everyone was in semi-graduation attire? Confusion and weirdness) and then I thought oh that looks cute on him HAHAHAHA -shiftyeyes-… =_=;;

I guess it was a good dream because in the end my stresses were resolved and I didn’t worry about the lack of variety in food anymore. In the end we were just all relaxing together in that hall with no worries about the storm that was raging outside. Silly silly.

On another note, THIS RAIN BETTER STOP BEFORE TONIGHT, YO! I don’t want to not go to the fair, but I also do not want to have to ride already frightening unstable seeming rides with the new obstacle of -slip- -splatsplatsplat-.

Happy Friday.

and thankfully, I don’t remember anything that passed in my brain last night.

I don’t know if that’s just because I went to sleep in such a hurry because I heard someone coming upstairs (sorry for the quick log off =/), so I didn’t really think before I went to sleep, or if my dream thoughts were shoved out of my brain this morning by the sound of my sister yelling at my grandmother for not waking her up earlier. Crazy girl, seriously crazy. If she’s late to summer school, so be it.

8.25 hours of sleep. Wearing black in this weather is a killer. @_@ I feel like I need water.

&&& Yay for spontaneity! Yesterday was looking like just another… uneventful day. I played the piano a whole lot, attempted to work on thank you cards I was supposed to do last week, and then had some fun with Sam and Ray.

Yay for large fields, frisbees, running around like little kids, small playgrounds, sunlight, releasing stress, scheming. Though I did listen to Sam and Ray… constantly insulting each other. =_= Both of you calm down. Goodness… I’m led to draw conclusions that neither of you will like, so, stop it, haha! We played a little Brawl when we got home… Eh, I will never be good at that game.

I was playing piano in the evening again, because my sister wanted me to try playing Mad, which I really didn’t want to because the music she printed out is soooo blurry, and so I eased into playing more Disney songs. And then I stopped after one song and heard CLAPPING, and I’m just like WHAT?, so I turned around and Auntie Cheri was there and I’m seriously just like WHAT?! So she talked to my parents for a while, and I listened to their conversation, and my sis played the cello for her, and we ate cream puffs from Liliha Bakery (where are the cocoa puffs I remember so well? D:), and got some sort of pie from Anna Millers. (There is no longer any room in the refrigerator.)

It was nice. Some of the things they talked about gave me a lot to think about, and eh… when she left I escaped into the piano again. I went through the Mariah Carey book I have (I don’t know what album it is), playing all the songs I sort of knew the melody to. I ended with One Sweet Day, and my sister wanted to sing to it, so she did.

I was super energetic (or just crazy?) last night, so I was swearing for no reason and typing RAPIDLY and YELLING some parts because I… really was some sort of wacky. I had some entertaining conversation, though, and that made it all worthwhile. Then I watched the first episode of IRIS. What a night. Where are you Doctor Who?! I NEED YOU. @______@

I should probably go eat breakfast now and charge my laptop.
I think I’ll actually be productive today. TAH TAH!