ana:lies

To adopt the habits of others
To abandon your own
To measure your mental health
To see you haven’t grown

audreylaundry:

go back to sleep like a boss

after napping all day, i’d probably feast in a fancy manner

then maybe climb some shit

and do some trollin

and generally not give a fuck about anything ever again

♥

Yes.

(via paradiseseeker)

But panic and feel like flailing when I think about what I’m doing for Anthropology and what I have committed myself to.

(Cultural) Anthropologists are brave, brave, brave, open-minded people for going in to do their fieldwork… I am panicking about the part where I will have to “try to blend in” in order to learn as much as I can for this project. My stomach right now is tying itself in knots.

I haven’t even started on the research proposal yet. It’s due in about a week.

CONFIDENCE: nonexistent
POSSIBILITY OF SUCCESS: existent, in minimal amounts
DOUBT: present in surplus
ANXIETY: see above
FAKE SMILE: glued to face
PEOPLE SWALLOWED: number continuously increasing

I need to keep telling myself that “it will be fun! Don’t worry about it!”

But then I guess what’s really testing me about this project is being fearless and forcing myself to try to fit in somewhere where I feel like I probably won’t. You know how I am as a person; I tend to avoid situations where I don’t need to get myself involved in, I will stick to observing thoroughly ahead of time, or preparing ahead of time so that I account for possible scenarios, or at the very least, feel advantaged in some way.

It slips around in my mind, and then I suddenly view this project about being more of a social experiment on myself or a test/growth/training experience rather than a research project in which I am to learn about a different culture (note: not necessarily racially related) that exists within society, and am to dispel or clearly define/explain idiosyncrasies (ohoho yay for a big word I had a problem spelling) and workings of such a culture.

Also, at this moment in time, I realize I am still highly tending towards lengthy sentences. Greater than six months without an English class has certainly been detrimental.

Speaking of English, I really miss AP Literature. AP Language, as well. Or in fact, I guess, any act of reading and analyzing. I miss just opening up my own mind to perceive a piece, to gain understanding of the person who wrote it, their motives, and their mindset, as well as an understanding of how the reader’s mind, my own mind, is reacting to a piece and is expected to react to a piece, and WHY. Everything was about the reasoning, about the WHY.

I got sidetracked.

I suddenly had the urge to listen to Regina Spektor’s Samson this morning. Wait, scratch that. I had the urge to sing that song (which I quickly discovered I was no way able to), so I looked up a video with lyrics on Youtube. While there, I read comments and was shocked to see all the interpretation going on. The interpretations were varied, of course, and made me want to nod my head in agreement (as I have done many times before in many situations).

It also made me miss doing that kind of stuff. I thought, why did I read these before looking at the lyrics myself and coming to my own conclusions?! Doctor Rath did train us for this kind of thing. And look at the biblical allusion that runs through the entire song! (Though, I have yet to pick up a Bible and truly read through it so that I can pick up biblical allusions.)

Otherwise, the act of simply listening to the song and reading some of the interpretations just moved me to tears. I DON’T KNOW WHY, but I was just…. sobbing. Of course, Claire wasn’t in the room, haha. But it was like my heart and self-control broke for a moment there (not that my control is ever constant). Darnit.

Anyway, this is what has been on my mind today. The end.

i have been considerate towards others
i’d think there would be a nice moment in this world
where the people i am being considerate towards
were considerate towards me

i feel like the things i notice are worthless
or the things i do are worthless
or the things i feel are worthless

because then people are fake
and inconsiderate
and oblivious
and only care about themselves
or in the moments that they say they do care about others
they don’t realize how they don’t mean it
how whatever is coming out of their mouth
sounds like routine. is heartless. is fake.

and it’s not them that i am most disgusted by, but by their mindset
and then i am second most disgusted by
how i think too much and esteem myself too highly in my own head and how this all amounts to nothing in the end.

i am making no progress.
i might as well just step backwards
step out of the flow of time
step out of this silly game.

take me out.

Culture and Humanity, makes so much sense.

At times it makes me think that I’ve been living as an anthropologist in my mindset for part of my life. Everything is so reasonable, and founded upon data, and without judgment. I’m learning. At the same time I feel like learning things I already should have known about people and their lives, before.

AIM is giving me a headache and I fear for the life of my computer. I practiced violin for more than usual (usual being not at all), and I took my anger out on a drawer of clothes that seemed to just be poorly put together, thus coming apart when called to open. I go to sleep late for no reason and wake up so easily, to people talking downstairs about coming to wake me up. I spent way too much yesterday and I feel like I could handle the horrid task of shopping more adequately as long as I go with my sister (lol), but then again, what money do I have to really spend? My head is suffering from thinking about possibilities, and I’d rather continue punching 1” large stars from bright blue and purple paper so that I only have to think about how to punch so that I get the most stars out of a single sheet. I hate that some tasks require another to be finished first; I’d rather get the simple tasks out of the way and then spend as much as time as I can on the hard tasks… but then things don’t work that way and I am reluctant to finish something because it involves some tedious task that I don’t want to deal with. Reading chemistry is looking fun for right about now… but then I think it would be more necessary right now to sort through my clothes and figure out what the heck I am going to do about things. I’d be more of an outdoorsy person if I wasn’t so lazy to move, hahaha. I’m glad my nails are short again—things feel right, in that aspect of life.

I realized/concluded a few things:

Read More

LOL I just saw the computer clock change to 12:00 midnight, 1/25/2010. Wonderful.

Pressing thoughts:

• I’ve kept my pen pal waiting too long… But I really don’t feel like writing this letter now. Or even later. Oh my goodness…
• I don’t know where my phone is.
• My back hurts.
• I’m sick of procrastinating but I just can’t stop.
• How am I going to finish everything?! D=

More stuff about the past week and today:

• I learned that the boiling pot of carrot pieces and mushrooms that I see in the morning has been used to create a health drink for my father. It smells DISGUSTING. Not only do I hate carrots in the first place and think they taste like dirt, (btw I cannot stand raw vegetables like carrots and brocolli and celery, stuff cabbage/lettuce [I still do not know the difference between those two]) but DRINKING IT? The thought horrifies me. I do not know how my dad does it. His mug spilled one morning on the way to school. My sisters and I were like… “What’s that smell?” -opens windows-
• What I really think about HYS: I will write this someday. LOL, I’ve kept on thinking about the fact that they’ve asked us to contribute to their blog… But I don’t think I could really write so many positive things, because I think very negatively while I’m there. I remember that when we were in YSII, someone said that YSII is just the holding place for those who didn’t make it into YSI. Well, honestly, I don’t know what kind of comment to make about that… Because I don’t really know if YSI is a place we’d really like to be in, haha. Such a division/rivalry between public/private school kids. Haha…
• What I really think about frozen yogurt places…. I don’t know, Orangetree seriously is at the bottom for me, if only for the consistency of their yogurt. It seems so much more melty than Menchies/Yogurtland. LOL the quote Sam got for the newspaper was about Orangetree though… And honestly, their toppings are possibly the only thing I really do like. FRUITY PEBBLES YAY YUM.
• Cheesecake and chocolate cake. Shrimp tempura and teriyaki beef. Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing. Eating with chopsticks more skillfully than normal 8D. Grape juice and cocoa in the AM. Buttered bread, toasted in the oven. Mini Yakko. Fran. Pocky. Shrimp cracker stuff.
• CROSS SECTIONS OF SOLIDS MATH PROJECT: picking a bean was stupid. And making the scale as such was stupid too. And the exacto knife thing or whatever was dangerous. And I make hideous semicircles. Woohoo, foam board…
• Waking up at 8:00 am to the record player playing. Coming home from mass on Saturday and eating dinner/randomly dancing to Madonna’s first two albums spinning on the record player. Yellowcard streams. Playing part of Vanessa Carlton’s “San Francisco” by ear on the piano and singing along with it. (:

I don’t really remember what I had orignially intended to include in this post. -sigh-

I should go to sleep now. Heehee… leave me love/hate if you wish. [<3]

(BTW, I answered some questions but did not post them to Tumblr. I am like what since everything is all in neat language, therefore leading me to question if a human really asked that question at all. But they’re fun to answer anyway, so there you go. (= )

I am finding irritation as I find that my Tumblarity decreases with each post I make. Que diablo, I wish I coud hide it so I don’t have to think about it.

My life has turned into one of math. I am tired of numbers. That kind of makes me sad.

I used to love them with a passion.

Now I just can’t get rid of them.

By the way, I hate physics.