But panic and feel like flailing when I think about what I’m doing for Anthropology and what I have committed myself to.
(Cultural) Anthropologists are brave, brave, brave, open-minded people for going in to do their fieldwork… I am panicking about the part where I will have to “try to blend in” in order to learn as much as I can for this project. My stomach right now is tying itself in knots.
I haven’t even started on the research proposal yet. It’s due in about a week.
POSSIBILITY OF SUCCESS: existent, in minimal amounts
DOUBT: present in surplus
ANXIETY: see above
FAKE SMILE: glued to face
PEOPLE SWALLOWED: number continuously increasing
I need to keep telling myself that “it will be fun! Don’t worry about it!”
But then I guess what’s really testing me about this project is being fearless and forcing myself to try to fit in somewhere where I feel like I probably won’t. You know how I am as a person; I tend to avoid situations where I don’t need to get myself involved in, I will stick to observing thoroughly ahead of time, or preparing ahead of time so that I account for possible scenarios, or at the very least, feel advantaged in some way.
It slips around in my mind, and then I suddenly view this project about being more of a social experiment on myself or a test/growth/training experience rather than a research project in which I am to learn about a different culture (note: not necessarily racially related) that exists within society, and am to dispel or clearly define/explain idiosyncrasies (ohoho yay for a big word I had a problem spelling) and workings of such a culture.
Also, at this moment in time, I realize I am still highly tending towards lengthy sentences. Greater than six months without an English class has certainly been detrimental.
Speaking of English, I really miss AP Literature. AP Language, as well. Or in fact, I guess, any act of reading and analyzing. I miss just opening up my own mind to perceive a piece, to gain understanding of the person who wrote it, their motives, and their mindset, as well as an understanding of how the reader’s mind, my own mind, is reacting to a piece and is expected to react to a piece, and WHY. Everything was about the reasoning, about the WHY.
I got sidetracked.
I suddenly had the urge to listen to Regina Spektor’s Samson this morning. Wait, scratch that. I had the urge to sing that song (which I quickly discovered I was no way able to), so I looked up a video with lyrics on Youtube. While there, I read comments and was shocked to see all the interpretation going on. The interpretations were varied, of course, and made me want to nod my head in agreement (as I have done many times before in many situations).
It also made me miss doing that kind of stuff. I thought, why did I read these before looking at the lyrics myself and coming to my own conclusions?! Doctor Rath did train us for this kind of thing. And look at the biblical allusion that runs through the entire song! (Though, I have yet to pick up a Bible and truly read through it so that I can pick up biblical allusions.)
Otherwise, the act of simply listening to the song and reading some of the interpretations just moved me to tears. I DON’T KNOW WHY, but I was just…. sobbing. Of course, Claire wasn’t in the room, haha. But it was like my heart and self-control broke for a moment there (not that my control is ever constant). Darnit.
Anyway, this is what has been on my mind today. The end.