I think that’s what’s wrong with the world. No one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They’re sad, but they don’t cry. They’re happy, but they don’t dance or sing. They’re angry, but they don’t scream. Because if they do, they feel ashamed. And that’s the worst feeling in the world. So everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky is.
f l y b y (e)
I owe you this explanation, at least.
Let’s start with the fundamental letters: F and L, which add up to E. Fear, Love, and Everything. Fear and love balance each other out, and in this world I don’t think they can really be separated.
So one night I got to thinking that ”Why?” is a pretty essential question in life. It’s always asked. We always need a reason for something. We always need to know that reason. We always want to have these things laid clear out in front of us because we don’t want things to be unknown to us. We want to penetrate into the reaches of space to investigate all that we see is there, all that we speculate is there, all that he have been told is there. When things become a question of security, we ask the question why. We feel we have the right to.
Like when dealing with vowels, then, I thought, in life, the sounding letters are F and L, and sometimes, Y [why]. Yay for double meaning, yay for manipulation of letters and sounds and the alphabet.
So, if you have those three letters, put them together and you just don’t everything anymore. Now, we have fly. At the time I put together this, I don’t even really know what to call it, symbolic representation, we were making our physics song projects (ours dealing with gravity in space), and I had been thinking about people’s relationships with each other, particularly the idea of use (like Aristotle’s friendship of Utility).
See the “fly-by” in F L Y B Y (E)? Yeah, I was thinking about those gravitational assist maneuvers that those spacecrafts and whatnot use to their advantage to move through space, to their destinations. And I thought about people, about our desire to move forward, and about the tendency, sometimes, to take advantage of others or a situation in order to propel ourselves to get where we want to be. There are people who extend theirselves out like the gravity of planets, and they pull us in and help us along if we position ourselves just right and come in with the right attitude and things… With that assistance we fly. I question why we act that way, and its pretty simple, I guess. Who doesn’t want to survive, to have some claim to existence here? Who does want to feel hopeless and lost in space? We’ll survey our world, choose our favoirte plan of action, and fly, fear, love, and the eternal desire to question and find answers in hand.
We go off with fear because we don’t know the outcome. We can have all the courage, but there will always be, somewhere within, the fear that you will fail, the fear that something will go wrong, or the fear that no matter the action, it will be insufficient when placed under the judgment of others. I guess people could say that they’re the most courageous, but I’m certain that somewhere in this world there is something, some idea, some person, some memory, that will wipe that courage away in a blink, something that will break away the barriers of strength and confidence that have been built and leave the truth, the unprotected truth, exposed.
We go off with love because life starts with love. We love to explore, to move forward, to show that we have power and are improving. We love that we’re capable of going into space and solving the mysteries of the universe we’ve been placed in, even if we are just tiny, young beings compared to the entire universe. Sometimes, when we make our way through the world, we’re driven by love for others, and at other times, we’re just driven by love for ourselves. In space and in the real world, we’ll do what we can to move forward, to succeed, and love is there to balance out the fear we hold of messing up some of these things in our lives. We can hold love for the universe we live in and everything we find within it, as well, and we show it.
We ask why. We try to know why. We are sending things out into space, with some thought at a wave good-bye, to investigate those things that elude us.
I never forget the letter E, everything. It’s added here at the end, in parentheses, because in the end, that’s what we’re aiming for; everything. Now you’ve also got “bye”, you’ve got that final farewell to what you used to know and what you used to believe. Once you set off on a journey, no matter what you find or fail to find, just trying something new forces you to leave the perspective you once held of the world. F L Y B Y (E) is saying “bye” to all the assumptions we have made about other people, “bye” to the conceptions we had of the lives we’ve been living. In a way, this was also me saying “bye” to the simple F+L=E; Adding Y and noting the constant presence of Y in our lives is just waving good-bye to the simpler world that we used to live in, the moment before. The more we learn, the more we add, the more possibilities, the more complicated things get. And though knowledge gained sometimes makes things seem simpler… Eh, I don’t know.
This, then, is my explanation. The end. Fly away, good-bye.
you know what I just realized?
Future starts with F = Fear, and ends with E = Everything, Everywhere. Everyone, Etc.
I think that’s fitting.
when I woke up this morning,
1) I remembered and realized that I first fell asleep petting my cat and watching a kitten video that Grace had sent me
2) I ate a bigger breakfast than that I usually eat
3) I was and still am confused as to why my sister is not home
4) I was disappointed in the fact that there is no Sunny Delight or any canned juices in the house. At least we have a carton of POG? That’s what I drank. -sigh-
5) I could not believe I stayed up late doing what it is I did last night omg =_= I will be so stuck to this computer for the rest of my life.
6) I started reading through “Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair” by Pablo Neruda, and I realized that a) the poems are in both English and Spanish, side-by-side, so I am so excitedddddd!, b) I think a bunch of these poems have sexual meaning so that kind of disappoints me, and c) These poems are dark and depressing and I cannot completely understand them and thus what happened to all the skills I gained in AP Lit? -sobsob-
Happy Tuesday.
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
this world
is so cute
in so many ways.
of course, there are the awful parts
that kind of block out sunlight
and other happy things
but let’s just ignore those for now.
i kind of want to end this school year in happiness
maybe that means believing in non-reality
but that’s ok with me.
or, at least, that’s what i’m telling myself.
looking
at old posts and
through old photos
blurry lenses. expired prescriptions.
blurry photos. broken cameras.
blurred messages,
impatience showing through,
lack of consideration
smeared across—fresh tears.
backwards, upside-down, reflected
optics (and optical illusions.)
my ability to see through them,
into them,
create them,
has faded.
good things
- Chex Mix from Sam (:
- sunny afternoons
- strawberry good luck candies from my sister
- pretty shower trees
- finding missing things (Ocean Eyes and Like Vines!)
- shiny nail polish
- poetry reading sessions in Lit class and for homework
- sleeping through car rides to and from places
- curls
- the power of Robitussin and Ricola
- considerate, kind, listening people
- chocolate chip cookies and homemade cheescake
- butterflies, love song lyrics, white warm jackets
- reliving years through planners
- mix CDs from summers past covered in sharpie
- Sunny Delight (100% Vitamin C!)
- recognizing songs being played
- the prospect of a party
- smiles
- hearing people say my name
- pictures of people i know
- lunches not panicking
- hugs and “hello”s from freshies
- understanding physics for once
- solved problems and whole-hearted communication
- silly books
- bright spring days
disappointments of the present
1) I cannot find my favorite album! -serachesdesperately-
2) I still cannot find Ocean Eyes
3) I haven’t yet made a post about prom. (While I say this, I really just want to say thank you for making it an enjoyable night. =D)
4) There is no working relatively portable and unbothersome camera in the house, and THE SHOWER TREES ARE IN BLOOM. So… pretty… and I cannot take pictures of them… -sobs-
5) I am still procrastinating and I’m pretty certain every New Year’s resolution I made has been wiped out of existence.
Wooogah. On another note, I’ve learned random Korean words as a result of making random sound-effect noises that were not intended to sound like anything.
My life is so weird. I’m tired, and I got three more hours of sleep than I usually do last night. What the heck.
So, coming home from rehearsal today,
I realized/concluded a few things:
1:26 AM
French pop is playing on Pandora.
Electric and magnetic forces perpendicular to each other won’t let understanding through because my learning is not travelling at the appropriate velocity.
The turtles are moving around in their tank downstairs.
My back hurts.
I feel slightly relieved.
Today will be an adventure.
The stars at night aren’t as big and bright as you make them out to be.
02.16.10.ramble
Lol, Sam, I don’t think I could do it. I don’t think I can survive. XP
I feel like talking about my life. Not that anyone would really care… but I’m going to anyway. I feel like its making me feel better.
Simply questionable.
Well, I haven’t been in the mood lately for writing, and I gues I’ve also just been finding less and less confidence or trust in what I’ve been putting out there. I’ve been looking back at old works and I’ve been cringing at my naivety. I mean, I guess that’s what should be expected, and that I have moved on… but it’s still kind of tires me to think about how little I understood then, and still how little I understand now.
I guess that’s why I’ve gravitated towards science/math. I like the security you can have, with the rules, with the tests that guarantee a certain answer, with known patterns and results that will definitely be the same the next time you do the problem… I mean, physics probably bothered me more at the beginning of the year than it does now because I didn’t like that if you apply some of it to real life, things may not turn out as expected. Chemistry felt so much more secure for me, but now that I think about it, chemistry in the “real world”, not just the problems in the textbook or the controlled experiments run in the lab with detailed instructions, depends heavily on specific conditions, that are changing too.
Even now I’m losing where these words and thoughts are going.
I’m going to go back to working on determining if these series and sequences diverge or converge. I hate patterns, honestly, but I certainly do prefer this to putting down my inadequate thoughts in a horrible draft of a scholarship essay. Or the Heart of Darkness essay that I still do not have a topic or thesis for.
I really let myself get tired of thinking. It’s only 8:30 pm and I wish I could sleep.
Maybe I’ll go practice after I finish these problems.
I’ve come to find that when I’m not feeling good, I put my hands to work. When I’m feeling the worst, I’m at the piano. Since borrowing those two old movie piano books, they’ve been what I’ve been tackling with my fingers. And this old music… I love arpeggios, triplets, and sixteenth notes. If not, I’ll go grab my violin and practice some more for SoloFest. I couldn’t stay awake during orchestra class today; it came to the point that I didn’t realize my bow was tilting over, and it almost hit Keli. But I don’t think she noticed either… We were both pretty out of it today. I wish we’d play Capriccio Espagnole first more often (like last class period), because at least that song forces me to wake up and concentrate. Merry Wives of Windsor is so pretty, but seriously, those bajillion bars of whole note Cs kill my level of alertness.
I think I like the computer most because it keeps my hands occupied. This constant typing and using of the eys really keeps me occupied. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, that I always need something to do. I… kind of don’t think I want to try to understand myself anymore. I don’t like the way I am, or who I’ve become, and just thinking about it kind of makes me feel sick.
But don’t worry guys. I’ll get over this “funk” soon. I just need to break this attachment to the computer and to the internet and just focus on leaving these negative feelings and thoughts behind. (:
Don’t worry about me.
I’m fine.
(And sorry for all the reblogging. I’m just finding a lot of stuff recently that temporarily lifts me out of this pensive state.)
