I realized/concluded a few things:
1) [This is a generalization, so of course I’m just being dramatic and not taking into account that there are amazing others who are exceptions. Take offense if you will, whatever.] Brass players are really rude. I got really mad during rehearsal (ok, seriously, I get mad at a lot of things nowadays, and I think I’m turning into pretty irritable a person. I’m sorry if that bothers you.), goodness. I mean, we’re playing Ode to Aquariusand Rolando’s got his nice clarinet solo, a relatively gentle accompaniment behind him, and you can hear some trumpet girl giggling and talking “quietly”… but in a room like that, sound sure does carry. First chair trumpet… I won’t go there. Trombones: even worse. I’ll loosen up for the french horns and the tubas, I think. Just, augh.
And clarinet guy, get your mind out of the gutter. There’s no respect anymore for conductors— I think, at this rate, Sunday’s concert isn’t going to sound well. Mr. M sees it slipping, goshdarnit, and I feel the orchestra tearing (hear it loudly and clearly, too) and no one seems to care. I guess, eh, what do you expect from a symphony torn apart by cliques dividing band and orchestra, private school kids and public school kids, second violins and first violins… Anyway, I guess it’s all fine and dandy for people to interpret Mr. M’s speeches and sayings in, uh, other ways -coughcough-, but in tonight’s rehearsal, it would have been nice if some people took it at least slightly seriously. I don’t want Sunday to be a disaster.
2) I’m really thankful that there are three co-captains for math. I mean, lazy/forgetful me, I didn’t send out the roster to the team (though I kind of told them by word of mouth) or even make sure to send out a message to remind them of the meeting tomorrow (today?!) afterschool, like we always have before the meet. So, I was really thankful that, during a break in rehearsal (yay for five minutes) I could call Hyunjae and he could send out just a reminder email (instead of me sending out one… at like… near 11 when I got home). And being able to talk to Marissa, too, sharing info we get from team members about plans and everything.
In those moments of productivity, I feel alive again.
When they end, I wonder why I can’t get myself to pursue and create those moments, neh.
3) This weekend is really packed. Math meet Sat morning. Prom at night. Report to concert on Sunday at 8:45 AM. Stuck at NBC until late afternoon.
I’m sorry to say that I’m not as OOH OOH OMIGAWD PROM IS IN LIKE, ONE DAY, OMG, I’M SO EXCITED, WOW, TEEHEE, etc. as other people are. I just don’t have the energy in me to celebrate the idea of trying to figure out what the heck I’m going to do about hair, makeup, nails, etc. No appointments, omigosh. And no running over to Kat’s house prior, neh. Curse my aversion to girly things! So… stressful. EEGH. OH WELL. WE MUST ENJOY THE NIGHT OF HOPEFULLY GOOD FOOD. AND GRACE DANCING, YES YES?!
We are soooo going to be dead on Sunday. Woohoo. (:
4) I really like the 30 Day Music Challenge. I mean, it’s a lot harder than one would think (haha, it is so impossible for me to make decisions quickly), but it’s really kind of reopened doors in my head that lead to memories or aspects of my life that I have not completely grasped. I thought about days 3 and 4 during rehearsal (‘cause I posted them before I left to go there) and laughed because I’m falling behind on such a silly thing. As Alyssa said today, though, these things also really depend and do change day to day. That, to me, is honestly kind of a nice idea, because that means I can waste more time sometime in the future (near future?!) and do this whole challenge all over again and probably get completely different results. BTW, another song that’s really been making me happy: Pulp Fiction - Motion City Soundtrack. Honestly, I could probably go through all of the albums of theirs that I have and a lot of them could fit in these categories. Doing that for the challenge, however… would be overwhelming and silly. ;D
5) I don’t have a clue where Ocean Eyes is. That kind of bothers me.
6) Whenever someone tells someone that I’m a good poet… I constantly refuse. Or say, “Not anymore.” Ever since I took Lang and now Lit… Looking at poems and novels in a different, more critical and analytical light and seeing the beautiful craft and effort put into their creation, I think that really made me see how far my poems have yet to go. I mean, I’d feel bad if I write a poem like before without completely thinking about each word I was using, about each sentence’s length, or about my intended audience. Like, in my head, my wriitng couldn’t even be considered a poem. And then my mind comes back and fights that perspective, saying, forget about it, forget what you’ve learned, if you feel like writing in cryptic words and phrases and just putting sensory input down in strings, do it, and enjoy it; don’t worry about what it could be interpreted as or what you really want to say versus what is being unconsciously portrayed. (Please excuse my inability to actually come up with the right word just then.) But neh, this is what’s holding me back — my lack of trust in my own words again, laziness, and internal conflict.
I’m thinking about it.
7) Things and events really are our “last.” I’m slightly saddened, to a certain extent.
8) Mari Abe is so amazing. I watched her when we had the chance to during our rest during her pieces… The way she plays the piano is just plain beautiful. Then there were those moments (her back was to us) where she’d look up at something and just let the notes and the emotion hang in the air. Those… were beautiful. But I wondered, what was she thinking about? What was going through her mind? Was her mind on the music and the phrasing, or was there some image in her mind, some memory passing through that the music she was playing was being made to match? I don’t know if I’ll ever get into anyone’s head to figure out what they are thinking when they do things like that, like when we’re all playing our solos at SoloFest… But I guess it doesn’t hurt to wonder? It makes me smile, though. I guess those moments are the ones where we completely connect to music in that way that it is completely personal, completely ours to have and treasure and not have anyone else interrupt.
Uhm, I don’t know what was up with this whole post. I now suddenly feel as if all my opinions are like, ridiculous, or don’t make any sense, because I’ve been writing this post in parts, starting and stopping as I, uh, do anything but the Lit work I’m supposed to be up doing. But eh, at least I took care of math team things? Eh. Adrienne Rich, here I come. At least I like this poem/poet/assignment. That’ll make the rest of my time awake tonight less… bothersome. Yay. (: