“What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls?”—Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
I guess it’s kind of dumb to miss you, but you were a very important part of my past (;P). I miss your confidence, your drive, your constant moving on and hoping. Sure, you were pretty naive and you let people use you for schoolwork ‘cause you liked feeling special, but you enjoyed the life you were living.
When senior year hit I missed you the most — you were gone, and I needed that dedication that you held. That, and your attitude of not pondering things so much that you couldn’t move forward. I wish I could have kept your techniques of writing papers without sitting for forever thinking about each and every sentence. When you left, I had the hardest time focusing on work, the hardest time keeping myself positive and ready to deal with whatever the world threw at me. (I felt like I was drowning under all the expectations had of me, because of you.)
You left for a reason, and I understand completely that you can never truly come back. I don’t blame you for leaving and letting me see that even your happiness and sheltered view of the world couldn’t last in this time and place. You’re still here in my memory, though, neh? So I’ll hold on to that as a reminder to stop thinking about the past (as you lived) and to try to climb higher in the future. Then, perhaps, we’ll meet again someday (it’s possible, right?).
We definitely used to be super close. I don’t know how it ended up so, and it did, and it stuck through most of high school. Then the drifting happened.
I wonder if the closeness was only because we had so many classes together, because we had thought that there was so much to talk about and share with each other. I remember those daily bits of learning, the gossip, the emails, the phone calls. I consider(ed) you a telia philia, and then I guess I was the one who really changed once senior year came along, because there wasn’t that much in common anymore, and I started doubting and looking at things from a greater perspective (“opening my eyes”).
Life seemed to become competition after while. The differences in our opinions and in our attitudes, and the similarities in that we were determined to stay at the top, pushed us apart. No doubt the tension between us grew without classes to talk about, secrets to laugh about. Honestly, I guess it was me who pulled us apart the most, ‘cause I started rewriting, in my head, what defined a telia philia, and by the end of junior year, I had an idea that was… crazier and less academically focused than before. I don’t know that was so different than the friendship we held up, so I know I drifted away. I didn’t really want to have to feel that pressure of always having to think about school, always trying to see who was more correct, always feeling like I needed to prove to you that I could slack off more and still do well in classes.
You’re still my good friend, but for some reason, I feel as if the distance we drifted apart cannot be recovered. It’s like we brushed it off and just moved on… and the awkwardness remains. But really, those few years were crazy fun. I do hope things go well for you on your journey into the world. If you should ever need me, I’ll still be here.
excerpt from Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
I went to my grandmother, your great-great-grandmother, and asked her to write a letter. She was my mother’s mother. Your father’s mother’s mother’s mother. I hardly knew her. I didn’t have any interest in knowing her. I have no need for the past, I thought, like a child. I did not consider that the past might have a need for me. What kind of letter? my grandmother asked. I told her to write whatever she wanted to write. You want a letter from me? she asked. I told her yes. Oh, God bless you, she said. The letter she gave me was sixty-seven pages long. It was the story of her life. She made my request into her own. Listen to me. I learned so much. She sang in her youth. She had been to America as a girl. I never knew that. She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary. I learned that she never learned to swim, and for that reason she always loved riversa nd lakes. She asked her father, my great-grandfather, your great-great-great-great-grandfather, to buy her a dove. Instead he bought her a silk scarf. So she thought of the scarf as a dove. She even convinced herself that it contained flight, but did not fly, because it did not want to show anyone what it really was. That was how much she loved her father. The letter was destroyed, but it final paragraph is inside of me. She wrote, I wish I could be a girl again, with the chance to live my life again. I have suffered so much more than I needed to. And the joys I have felt have not always been joyous. I could have lived differently. When I was your age, my grandfather bought me a ruby bracelet. It was almost a necklace. He later told me that he had asked the jeweler to make it that way. Its size was supposed to be a symbol of his love. More rubies, more love. But I could not wear it comfortably. I could not wear it at all. So here is the point of everything I have been trying to say. If I were to give a bracelet to you, now, I would measure your wrist twice. With love, Your grandmother
Day 13 [7/26] — Someone you wish could forgive you
I set your life out of equilibrium, I tried to force a certain product with a reaction I had no right to tamper with, no ability to control. I don’t think it’s fair to hit someone with such painful truths so bluntly or in such a cruel way, to make someone suffer when they haven’t purposely acted in a displeasing manner.
I know I’m pretty much at fault and don’t really deserve forgiveness, ‘cause some actions are just inexcusable, but I… I guess it didn’t really have to be this way.
Day 12 (7/25) — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
I hate you the most, periodically. I can’t stay mad at you (I can’t stay mad at anyone, for that fact). I really wish you would change your attitude, though, because your attitude seriously will get you nowhere. When I’m just trying to help, you snap back at me so easily, like some animal that hasn’t yet learned not to bite the hand that is trying to feed it.
I really care for you, okay? And so do a bunch of other people. You need to stop acting so impulsively and take some time to really think about what people are telling you. Your attitude disgusts me so much, now, as it has worsened, as has your language. I know you’re technically not allowed to say “shut up”, but the alternative should be “please be quiet” instead of “shut your mouth.” I think that’s the only thing I’ve heard anyone say so far that has really made me want to slap the speaker across the face.
It hurts to hear that stubborn tone in your voice, and to hear the way you talk to the people who don’t deserved to be given that kind of treatment. Many times I feel like talking to you would be a waste of time, a useless battle, something that will definitely end in my loss. You make me want to think that it’s not worth it to try to be nice and open towards people, and that, that is the thought that I will not let myself succumb to. What I need you to do is stop fighting back. Good grief. You are really just making situations worse if you keep that up.
Please change. You’re causing the negative energy to build up. That is not a need, not a need at all.
So much to think about! So many possibilities! How will I ever get to sleep now?! MUST NOT THINK ABOUT THINGS THAT REQUIRE MONEY! Must think about things I need to make… in less than two weeks. Will I start that project and then finish it? HOW DO I MAKE IT JUST RIGHT?! Will this… sore throat go away. Can someone help me get away from this home? The freaky technology suffocates me. @_@
Darn you Grace, for making me think about shopping at this time.
Day 11 [7/24] — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
(I do not particularly wish that I could speak to anyone from the past, but, I dunno)
I never met you. I don’t know anything about you, ‘cause no one says anything. I remember grandma’s story about how you two met, something about a hill that seemed so… old-fashioned, in a cute way, but that’s about all I’ve heard, besides my mother’s vague descriptions of growing up and working in the fields. I remember in elementary, when we had to make a family tree, when mine was a mobile of balanced cardboard circles, your circle had a white “m-bird” on it.
I wonder what kind of person you were. I don’t know how to deal with all this not being told things and having things kept intentionally from me, and tension grows. I don’t know. Grandma’s been looking sad and tired nowadays. I don’t know. There’s a lot I could tell you.
Day 10 (7/23) — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
It’s funny, not ha-ha funny, but interesting/strange funny, how when we first started talking I kind of thought the same thing, still, that I wish I could have talked to you more before then, because by that time, your time was ending, and after your time ended, I’d really have not much reason to talk to you. Actually, I guess there could always be some reason, but I felt that a gap would form, and sure enough, one did.
We’ve talked a little, in the past few weeks and it’s just reminded me of how silly and fun those days were, and how much talking to you made/makes me think. We’re similar, in many ways, and you’ve always just let me ramble out hypotheses about your behavior because you’re searching to understand who you are and why you act in those ways. I think that’s incredibly… nice. XD
And yes, some things have not changed in this year or so of sparse conversation, like how you still only tend to use the :P face and how I will really stop typing if you (or anyone else) is typing. I guess that’s just me preferring to listen, and really, talking to you is never a bore ‘cause you’re quite a character to learn about. I mean, all those questions you asked? They just made you seem stranger and stranger, haha. They did, make you more normal human… in a way. And thanks for always making sure to say good night even though conversation had long since died away.
Plus, I probably will need your genius help in the next year. TT_TT Ehehe… kidding… mostly, bwahahaha. =_=;; Yeah, it’d be nice to talk more, even though your smartness will probably explode my mind.
Your poems really struck me when we read some of them in Dr. Rath’s last year. “In That Order” struck me the most (I think I teared up towards the end of that analysis session just thinking about it). Your other pieces sent me elsewhere, into a crisp, state of memory and disconnection, into a place of deep reassessment and consideration of life. I loved how they took me away and made me think. They kind of saddened me, but I really respect you for capturing those feelings in words. Thank you for that.
Listening to and singing (the verses of) Written in the Stars from Aida constantly, making phone calls and stumbling over the easiest words, browsing Tumblr, watching Doctor Who, reading The Neverending Story, falling asleep while trying to review chemistry, pondering possible schedules and classes (AND DORM LIFE!), occasionally spending an hour or so playing with sisters, stringing beads on thread that I hope will not break, freaking out about technology that acts up, decorating boxes, “fear-plus-love”, trying to ignore awkward silences, suffering in this weather, spending too much at Ben Franklin’s.
Due to my lack of recording what I have been doing over the past few weeks, you get a list-like thing. There was Justin’s grad party, Jump Start at UH, Joy’s grad party, Sam’s birthday dinner, some family friend’s birthday/grad party. Becca’s birthday/grad was also in that time frame, but that day was busy, haugh. x_x I’m sorryyyyyyy. Hm. I dunno if I want to go back and write about things, ‘cause I don’t really have any pictures.
Half a year knowing you, and my perspective and attitude towards the world has kind of shifted. At times you’ve made me feel like the worst person in the world, and at others you’ve made me feel more stupid, awkward, and naive than ever, but I guess that’s okay because I’m opening my eyes because of you. Your chat log is easily the biggest (though other people have had advantage back to my Meebo year), and suffice to say, we’ve… talked a lot.
Eh, there were times when I was really mad at you, and perhaps I should have written this letter then, so that this letter would have been more interesting (and perhaps I would have gotten it done on time), but then again, that wouldn’t really make sense to have for someone who I have designated my favorite internet friend, neh? Thanks for trying to cheer me up when I’m down, thanks for listening, thanks for talking, thanks for singing, thanks for being honest, thanks for being periodically silly, and for putting up with my… daily lack of interesting things to say. ^^;; I’m sorry.
Uhmm… yeah… I don’t know what else. I might edit this later, ‘cause this is pretty boring. Thanks for pretty much preventing any moments of boredom that could have happened! I don’t knowwwwwwwwww.
Day 7 (7/20) — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Well, I’m behind on my challenge. Someone wrote me a letter (read more) that I could have posted for this and said that I wrote it, but well, lol, I’m not really sure… what to make of that letter. It seems… so out of place, bwahahaha. It is there for your enjoyment. I can’t remember what it all reminds me of (Some book or story? Some movie? Some written piece? Help my horrible memory here, please). I am just shocked. Anyway, I think this real one is the shortest letter yet, no?
How many years and you’re still incredibly skinny? I don’t quite remember how you looked back then, but now you seem less… alive. Young kids’ words leaves scars on other young kids’ hearts. I don’t think I’ll forget those words printed in that scrawl that seemed to only worsen in the few times I saw it after those years. I look back, and it’s silly. I mean, who can blame you for telling the truth? And me, well, I was a kid who did what my friends did.
But eh, time continues, life moves on. I think back and I am disgusted, haha. But well, people grow up, and I am writing you this letter as a reminder to myself of something that will surely slip away in the piles of better memories of better people within my head.
You don’t know how much you scare me. Now, I’m not judging you by your looks or anything (really, you don’t look scary), but the thought of talking to you makes me sick to my stomach. If you notice me standing there, fretting for a while, it’s because I’m thinking of all the things I could and should say when I initiate conversation, so I’m prepared and don’t mess up and get the info I need (or want?) to get. Darn you for always throwing me off guard. Don’t have good eye contact, please, that’s incredibly unnerving. Uhm… Just know that I’m sorry if I make an awful first impression. Really, all the words and common sense I (think I) have that would let conversation flow smoothly always abandon me.
Also, do not judge me by whatever book I am holding in my hands, please. =_=;;
“She looks blurrily pulled together, until you start to notice things like the chewing gum stuck to the side of her shoe. “I like it. And I like ladders in tights and holes in clothes, and I love people who are full of flaws. I like people who go, ‘I’m a bit of an arsehole; deal with it.’ At least you know where you stand. And then you can go, ‘Yes you are a bit of an arsehole and I don’t want to deal with it. You deal with it.’ I’m such a child.”— Billie Piper (via somethingofthewolf, hellyeahbilliepiper)
In reality, you are nightmares. You don’t quite exist. Sometimes I want you to exist. Sometimes I wish you would just go away. You flood my thoughts and keep me alert at night to the point that I wake up easily to any voice or sound. In my sleep I am in a constant state of alert. In my sleep I am always running because of you.
What I really need you to do is solidify, to turn into something I can hold and keep close to me for further analysis and constant reference. I keep forgetting what you are and when people ask me about you, my description always changes. You’re always changing. Whatever ideas people put into me turn up in the form of you. You are the mish-mash of everything.
When you try to mix too many things together, you get failure. What you leave me with is an attempt to stretch myself so that I’m ready for everything an anything, but of course, no one can be that prepared. I am nowhere near being well-rounded enough to handle every new aspect or characteristic that manifests in you. I cannot fight off all the villains and strangers, I cannot fight off all the possible occupations that you are full of.
You leave me so confused that even this letter is twisted and mangled. I’m tossing and turning because I don’t know how to handle you, because that is how my insides feel when I try to grab on to such an unformed, flexible entity. Just when I think a part of you is in my grasp, you dodge, you morph, and I am swimming, drowning in you. I become disoriented, I become lost in you and all your “could be’s.”
Sueños, if you are the wishes my heart is making, my heart should stop. Wishing for a solution, for something that is not really felt for, for something that is merely a systematic one-size-supposedly-fits-all solution to problems and insecurities that require more specialized attention, further adds to the cloud of disorganization that is your unreality.
Stay still for a moment; Let me catch my breath.
Then I shall battle you again. I will shape you. I will befriend you. I will trust you wholly. I will chase after you. And somehow, someday, I will eliminate the sleepy distance, awaken, and live in you, without fear, without confusion, and I will be okay. I will know who I am and where I have been and where I am going, and you will be there, my new reality.
Overpowering feeling of exhaustion and immense desire to sleep, worries, worries, and more worries, a tinge of inner sickness, swarming thoughts about what needs to be done and how to go about doing those things, butterflies (stomach-hungry butterflies), weak attempts at self-assurance, weak attempts at blocking out reality, slight heartbreak, slight longing, ever so thin glimmer of hope and a slowly growing anticipation and excitement towards starting college… Unexpected developments of character in individual, a surprising expansion of my universe, dominating moments of newly gained self-understanding.
Today in Driver’s Ed, there was this girl a row ahead of me who wore glasses, but still had to turn her head sideways to look at the stuff projected onto the screen. That bothered me, because, really, if you need glasses, and have glasses on… why do you have ones that aren’t helping you at all? Silly thing to think about… but augh, that really bothered me.
Class made me sleepy again. I figure the way to wake myself up more now is to wrap my hair into a super tight bun that nearly hurts. Yayyy for a summer lesson.
Open-ness is a characteristic I shall strive for; take advantage and manipulate as you wish, but what an awful person you would be.
I’m sleepy. Watching The End of Time Pt II, and I am sleepy.
With your curly hair, glasses, and attitude, I guess you could pass as a young copy of me. I don’t hate you for choosing the cello over the violin; I am just glad you found something you don’t mind doing, unlike the piano and what happened with soccer way back when.
I still don’t know how you got so addicted and crazy about playing video games. I always have fun playing Rock Band with you (especially when Jenn isn’t home), or other games, even though I’m tired. I’m happy that you’re not so completely irrational, and I still insist that you’re queen of something in your silly middle school group of friends, in my mind. Dorkkkkkk. It makes me want to cry when you realize how bad I’m feeling at times and come over and give me a hug or tell me, “It’s okay.”
I’m jealous that you go to be amazing and go to Japan. I hope that one day you realize how special an experience that was and that you treasure and work to better remember and preserve the memories and relationships that you gained while you were there. Also, keep being able to sing the first bit of the Ponyo theme in Japanese and recalling the TV shows and commercials you watched while you were there as well as that version of “Uptown Girl” you silly JAs made up that was “Marshmallow Girl” instead. I’m glad you’re just as silly as me.
Also, your art = YAY (please draw me more Doctor Who chibis). I’m happy to have gotten to see your art change and improve over the years, woohoo. I have also had fun watching Ouran with you. Stop imitating Renge’s laughter, please. =_= I am fine with your Honey-senpai imitations, though, haha.
I’m very protective of you and Jenn, neh. (: I wish we could have spent more time this past summer month playing games together, because I know we won’t have that kind of time together again for a very long time. This next year, try not to fight with Jenn, kay? I feel like this letter is saying goodbye, but I’m really just trying to remember things about you so I won’t feel so sad when I won’t get to hear you practice the cello, loud and stopping randomly saying “wait” anymore, when I won’t get to have you hand the DS to me and say CAN YOU TRAIN THEM FOR A LITTLE BIT or NO WAIT DON’T TOUCH THAT because you don’t trust me with playing your games (that is okay, I do not trust myself either), when I won’t be there falling for your high-five trap silliness or your not-so-obvious lies.
Sis, thanks for being so silly and like-able and full of happiness and life.
Thurs/Fri/Sat was pretty good. Things didn’t go as planned of course, and right now I’m fighting the slight pain in my head and sleepiness. Dinner downstairs smells delicious, and sooner or later mother will call us down to eat, oh wait, that just happened. Urm, I need to catch up on my letter challenge. The one for Friday wasn’t done so well (-sigh-) and I missed doing yesterday’s even though I had the time to. Notice, the dates put with each thing? With the [date] like that, I just am telling myself I did it exactly on that day, meaning on time. With the (date) like that, that just indicates… day the challenge should have been done and that I am posting it… late. I feel like there is suddenly so much I should be doing now, and I can’t believe the end of July is coming so soon. So much to worry about. =_=;;
I’d like to tell stories of the wonderful adventure I got to have… but argh, I’m lazy, and it would be an overflow of words and useless commentary.
It’s silly, because whenever we get in disagreements or when I have to sit through you talking to other relatives about me and “my plans” when I’m right there, so much is running through my mind, and really it’s not typically good. But now, I can’t bring myself to bring up a word because you really do so much for me. I don’t know, I guess I really do get irritated at this conflicting expectations thing that is so very… common? I don’t know. I guess I just have got to put up with it.
I don’t really feel like writing to you because I can’t be creative with this. All this will end up being is just a well-up of complaints and worries and pains, and I don’t think you two, with all the stressful situations that have piled up over the past year, should have to put up with that. I know you’re tired. I know I should really grow up and be more independent and take more charge of my life… but really, I feel so lost sometimes and I want to blame these faults and inconsistencies on the way I’ve been brought up, but I can’t. I don’t know. I want to try for you guys, but I can’t help that I’m fighting a losing battle.
Uhm, I’m at a loss for thought right now, so yeah… Don’t miss me when I’m dorming for that first year.
Mom, confidence. Thank you for always taking time to understand and being lenient and loving. Dad, hang in there, please. Don’t let anger or sadness take hold of you and shake your sense away.
-Anak ko (Excuse me if that is wrong. I suppose I should have tried to learn Ilocano for you both.)
The nerves really get to me. All I’m doing is thinking. And worrying. I… gosh, omg. Not ready for this. NOT READY. And now I’m hoping that these people are awkward geeks like me, so I’m crossing my fingers and just getting ready to hold my head high even if embarrassment comes my way. Time to thrown on this character of confidence and assurance (or throw off the character of childishness and laziness?) and step in there without fear. Ugh. Who am I kidding.
I’m not sure if you still exist (as a crush in my mind).
I’m not even sure why I’m really writing a letter to you, when I could very well run away from this and do something like write a letter to some celebrity (or fictional character?) and say things like “I really like when you wear glasses and your fancy clothes with Converse and tap into your brainy side and are suddenly all enthusiastic about life and what you’re doing and reason with yourself and save the universe and especially when you smile,” without feeling like someone is going to make complete fun of me for thinking so, because it’s all about some person on the telly (ok lol I will no longer indulge myself by using that word ever again) who has tons of other fangirl-like people around the world thinking similar things. In other words, I’m not alone in those thoughts, bwahahaha.
Oh, and by the way, I guess all those liked things could refer to you, too.
Except, of course, I don’t think you’ve ever saved the universe.
Unless you have, and you’ve just never told me that you did. If that’s the case, you’re humbler than I thought you were and you also need to talk (really talk) to me more. =P
No hugs please, just a wave goodbye, and a “talk to you soon (maybe).” (The grating noise of parting, disappearance into thin air.)
Querida computadora, (oh, dear laptop of mineeeeee)
We’ve spent nearly every day together since your birth… and it sure has been fun. I know that being friends doesn’t always go to well, as I force things upon you and litter your memory with useless pictures and tons of manga, and you get angry to the point that I feel that I really want to just tell you to chill out and put you to sleep already like the young child you really are inside. Thanks for understanding that deep down, I will always be a young child, too, and letting me get away with whatever I want. I always take your side, neh? I have no control over you. You definitely freak me out sometimes with the way you act…
Thank you for putting up with my lack of cleanliness (at times) and my stubborn decision to be attached to you majority of the day. I guess I’m pretty clingy. Sorry about that. Oh, and please stop worrying me! I know whenever I see you I feed you with gross junk and knowledge that may be dangerous to your health and your innocence… and I guess I am worried now because if you go all crazy and die on me, it will be my fault. Please take care of yourself when I’m not with you. D:
I’m sorry for not always catching you when you fall, and that you’ve had to spend many a late night with me watching Doctor Who and talking to my other friends. Thank you for being so accepting of them, too, haha. I’m also sorry for tending to leave you alone for long periods of time. It’s great to know that you’re always there, still waiting when I return. Thanks for correcting my spelling, thanks for helping me learn what I don’t understand, thanks for keeping me occupied and being a so-called shoulder to cry on when all I feel like doing is breaking down. I know that I can tell you a lot of things and you won’t share them… right? (: You can confide in me as well, you know. Help me figure out just what makes you tick sometimes (=_=)— then I can be a better owner -cough- I mean, friend.
Truth is, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m sorry that circumstances will soon require that we spend a little time apart. But hey, friendships can be kind of limiting. I don’t want to suffocate you with my constant presence. ;P
AIM is giving me a headache and I fear for the life of my computer. I practiced violin for more than usual (usual being not at all), and I took my anger out on a drawer of clothes that seemed to just be poorly put together, thus coming apart when called to open. I go to sleep late for no reason and wake up so easily, to people talking downstairs about coming to wake me up. I spent way too much yesterday and I feel like I could handle the horrid task of shopping more adequately as long as I go with my sister (lol), but then again, what money do I have to really spend? My head is suffering from thinking about possibilities, and I’d rather continue punching 1” large stars from bright blue and purple paper so that I only have to think about how to punch so that I get the most stars out of a single sheet. I hate that some tasks require another to be finished first; I’d rather get the simple tasks out of the way and then spend as much as time as I can on the hard tasks… but then things don’t work that way and I am reluctant to finish something because it involves some tedious task that I don’t want to deal with. Reading chemistry is looking fun for right about now… but then I think it would be more necessary right now to sort through my clothes and figure out what the heck I am going to do about things. I’d be more of an outdoorsy person if I wasn’t so lazy to move, hahaha. I’m glad my nails are short again—things feel right, in that aspect of life.
Day 30 [7/13] - Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.
In the negative interpretation of the phrase, I’ve grown to be lazier, less trusting, less sociable, less optimistic, and less well-rested…
But, in the intended interpretation of this phrase, in the past 30 days… I’ve become a little stronger in will as I think I’ve gotten better at controlling my urge to run away from things that I need to do… I’ve been able to grit my teeth and just deal with whatever comes my way (without trying to plan every single detail ahead of time, like with this 30 day challenge =D), I can allow myself to trust things like schedules (and I have grown in that I am now capable of taking the bus to the mall and back, bwahahaha)… and I’ve been more able to just let myself enjoy life, enjoy the moment, throw myself into things and not care about what the rest of the world perceives.
So… yeah… thirty days, DONE. I’m a little uncertain about the last few… but yup. I think that well. (:
Late night conversations, silly letter revelations, seeing people smile (like REALLY REALLY REALLY smile, the kind that comes quite unexpectedly to the bearer), breaking things like math down so that it’s understood, making things that make others happy, pastel skies and bright bright sunshine, making time together worthwhile.
Day 28 [7/11] - A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. What is your definition of happiness?
Happiness = Quadruple Love. Haha, ok, rather… feeling and knowing that everything is right, even in that short moment… a feeling of invincibility and enjoyment of the way life has worked itself out.
I was pretty happy while we were watching the hypnotist at project grad. I mean, I was sleepy and all, and I was having a hard time staying awake, but I remember just looking around at the whole of us, sitting there cross legged and just so… relaxed watching the guy and our classmates make fools of themselves… and I was happy. After four years, whether or not we knew each other or even had a single class together, we were all there. Tired, but tired in a good way, from just letting go and throwing ourselves into all the activities we had that night.
I was happy because we were there, because I was with you people, because we were safe, because people were silly, because in that moment, the future and everything else did not matter, because in that moment, it felt like life and existence would really be okay.
[I feel like I wanted to add a lot of commentary to some of these… but I’m lazy, even though I’m bored, so, neh. A lot of these were like… not bolded because they were only “occasionally”… and for music, most of it was unbolded because I am ignorant and have not really listened to some of those artist’s songs, or have listened to a few but have not deemed that enough evidence or material off of which to base whether or not I like an artist… and just because it was bolded, it means I guess I like the music, not necessarily the people. And I liked (or I don’t know if liked is exactly right) Spears’ old music. Hm, and looking at the Movies and TV sections… I know, I’m such a failure. And sorry, no, music is not… exactly life, to me.]
I am a morning person. I am a perfectionist. I am an only child. I am Catholic. I am currently in my PJs. I am currently pregnant. I am currently suffering from a broken heart. I am left handed. I am married. I am addicted to MySpace. I’m shy around the opposite sex. I bite my nails. I currently regret something I have done. When I get mad I curse. I don’t like anyone. I enjoy country music. I enjoy jazz music. I have a car. I have a cell phone. I have a pet. I have at least one brother or sister. I have been to another country. I have been told that I’m smart. I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor. I have had a broken bone. I have caller ID on my phone. I have changed a lot over the past year. I have had surgery. I have killed another person. I have had my hair cut within the last week. I have had the cops called on me. I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn’t. I have kissed someone of the same gender. I have mood swings. I have rejected someone before. I have seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I have watched Sex and the City. I like Shakespeare. I love to cook. I love Michael Jackson. I love sleeping. I love to shop. I miss someone right now. I own over 100 CDs. I own over 100 DVDs. I own and use a library card. I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream. I read books for pleasure in my spare time. I sleep a lot during the day. I strongly dislike math. I think Britney Spears is pretty. I will try ALMOST anything once. I work at a job that I enjoy. I would classify myself as ghetto. I can name all seven dwarfs from Snow White. I am currently wearing socks. I am tired. I am currently waiting for someone. I lost contact with someone. I hate Miley Cyrus. I think Party In The USA is catchy. I’d date Harry Potter. I can name all the past presidents of the United States. I know who was president before George Bush. I love pickles. I need the internet to live. I prefer vanilla over chocolate. I watched Star Trek. I watched all six movies of Star Wars. I own an Xbox. I think music is life.
I. Music (BOLD THE ONES YOU LIKE)
Acceptance. Coldplay. Dave Matthews Band. David Bowie. Foo Fighters. Hellogoodbye. The Killers. James Blunt. Teddy Geiger. Linkin Park. Muse. Ok Go. Panic At The Disco. Peter Bjorn. The Postal Service. Timbaland. Jack Johnson. Norah Jones. Drake. The Fray. The Wreckers. Michael Bublé. Beyoncé. Metallica. Massive Attack. Queen. Journey. The Cars. Supertramp. Eurythmics. Sublime. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Wu-tang Clan. Fergie. Sarah McLachlan. Band of Horses. John Mayer. Jason Mraz. Justin Timberlake. Michael Jackson. Kenny Chesney. Carrie Underwood. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Neil Young. The Beatles. Brad Paisley. Tim McGraw. Taylor Swift. P. Diddy. Jay Z. Lil’ Wayne. Lil’ Jon. Three 6 Mafia. Nelly. Young Joc. T.I. Sean Paul. 50 Cent. Eminem. Eiffel 65. Ace of Base. The Underdog Project. Dream Theater. Santana. Alicia Keys. Incubus. Victor Wooten. Ludacris. Gorillaz. Matchbox 20. Paramore. Say Anything. Taking Back Sunday. Eric Clapton. The Darkness. Weezer. The Eagles. Cascada. Jimi Hendrix. Maroon 5. Billy Joel. Reel Big Fish. Anberlin. Mae. Family Force 5. AC/DC. Hootie and the Blowfish. Electric Six. Outkast. R.E.M. The White Stripes. Prince. Mika. Crystal Castles. Britney Spears. Spice Girls. The Gossip. Lady GaGa. Eagles. Nirvana. Smashing Pumpkins. Third Eye Blind. Metro Station. All Time Low. Motion City Soundtrack. The Rocket Summer. Tenacious D. Something Corporate. The Moldy Peaches. Macy Gray. Mandy Moore. Plain White T’s. Yeah Yeah Yeahs. My Chemical Romance. Fall Out Boy. We the Kings. The Rolling Stones. Angels & Airwaves. The Beastie Boys. Black Eyed Peas. Boys Like Girls. Jonas Brothers. Demi Lovato. Selena Gomez. The Cure. Cobra Starship. Death Cab for Cutie. Deftones. Team Sleep. Filter. Goo Goo Dolls. Honor Society. Katy Perry. Kid Cudi.
II. Movies (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE SEEN)
Pride and Prejudice. Glory Road. The Princess Bride. Goonies. Center Stage. Ocean’s Eleven. Seven. Newsies. 300. Robin Hood Men In Tights. Love Actually. Garden State. Donnie Darko. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. My Best Friend’s Wedding. ANCHORMAN. Drop Dead Gorgeous. Wedding Crashers. Elf. Zoolander. Austin Powers. Clueless. Mean Girls. Hairspray. Moulin Rouge. Fight Club. Rocky. Pulp Fiction. What A Girl Wants. Kill Bill. Thank You For Smoking. Little Miss Sunshine. Requiem for a Dream. The Departed. Dawn of the Dead. Memento. The Lovely Bones. 17 Again. 8 Mile. Office Space. Snakes on a Plane. Boondock Saints. Say Anything. The Silence of the Lambs. Saving Private Ryan. Superbad. The Prestige. Just Friends. The Devil Wears Prada. Under the Tuscan Sun. Titanic. Steel Magnolias. Saw. Ace Ventura. She’s the Man. Because I Said So. Catch and Release. Music and Lyrics. Spanglish. Stick It. Step Up. The Fast and the Furious. Joyride. Halloween. The Italian Job. Crash. Must Love Dogs. The Last Kiss. Chicago. Harry Potter. Rush Hour. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Clerks. Shooter. The Bourne Identity. Meet the Parents. Dirty Dancing. A Christmas Story. Rudy. National Treasure. Sleepless in Seattle. Miss Congeniality. The Science of Sleep. The Matrix. Everything is Illuminated. Good Will Hunting. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Empire Records. Phantom of the Opera. Lord of the Rings. Click. Scarface. District 9. The Notebook.
III. TV (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES)
ER. Grey’s Anatomy. Saved by the Bell. Man vs. Wild. SCRUBS. South Park. America’s Next Top Model. Gossip Girl. Sex and the City. Friends. Dawson’s Creek. The Big Bang Theory. Seinfeld. Lost. Miami Ink. Made. Arrested Development. That 70’s Show. Family Guy. The Simpsons. The Office. Veronica Mars. Project Runway. Bones. Iron Chef. Alias. Pushing Dasies. Gilmore Girls. The Colbert Report. The Daily Show. Mythbusters. Avatar: The Last Airbender. Will and Grace. 24. House. To Catch A Predator. Whistler. Heroes. Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Unsolved Mysteries. 7th Heaven. Everybody Loves Raymond. Boston Legal. Bleach. What I Like About You. Reba. King of Queens. Survivor. The O.C. American Idol. Days of Our Lives. How I Met Your Mother. CSI. Boy Meets World. Law and Order. Numbers. Reno 911. I Love New York. Step by Step. Little People Big World. What Not To Wear. My Wife and Kids. Moonlight. Supernatural. Ace of Cakes. White Collar. Nip/Tuck. The Biggest Loser. Beauty and the Geek. Battlestar Galactica. Stargate SG1. The Inferno. Scarred. Wild N Out. Real World. Trinity Blood. Dead Like Me. Whose Line is it Anyway?. Dragon Ball Z. Futurama. Firefly. Medium. Star Trek. X-files. Cowboy BeBop. Sailor Moon. My Name is Earl. Six Feet Under. Dancing With The Stars. Degrassi. Greek. Glee. Secret Life of the American Teenager. The Hills. Laguna Beach. Vampire Diaries. Lost.
Day 27 [7/10] - Your definition of the meaning of life.
The meaning of life… is to learn as much as you can, through experience, until one finds a method of contenting oneself.
LiFE (defined by letters)… is the individual caught between Love and Fear, trying to find a safe balance between the two… is the individual striving for Everything, but needing to overcome Fear first, as Fear is the that which separates one from everything needed or desired.
I dunno, to find happiness, to find one’s place in the world. -shrug-