“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.”—The Doctor (Blink) (via macmankev) (via onthewing)
A block over there is a princess bouncy castle in someone’s backyard. The biggest and brightest and fluffiest-looking shower tree still in bloom is a 7-minute walk away and I should have gone to take pictures yesterday morning. Some neighbors on the cul-de-sac are having a party and it occured to me that sometimes when people have parties they don’t consider where people will park. There was a very large truck and a long line of cars and I was amazed. The flowers my ninong and ninang sent are dying. I am still slightly allergic to cats. I have not been drinking enough water. Even though the casing around the baby brie is edible, I still don’t want to eat it. I tried a macaroon for the first time today. I may have all the ideas in my head, but if I don’t write them down, they don’t count for a thing.
I have accomplished very little. Or perhaps, nothing at all.
After being wiped from Project Grad and waking up on 1:30pm on Saturday (and missing going places with people -sobsob-) and then… spending the few hours before choir practicing and chatting online… Eh. I played Meditation from Tais pretty lately planned during choir as an expression of my gratitude for being able to have gotten through high school and graduating all ok. (: Then there was dinner ‘cause it was my sister’s birthday, and I’ll just say I really felt like an older sister that night.
Sunday was the first Sunday in a long time that I did not have Youth Symphony! Heck yeah! Instead… I really don’t think I did anything. Hahaha…
Monday was pool party and adventures around school day. (: I have a post in the drafts folder… That I haven’t finished yet, augh.
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday all pretty much went the same. Chatting with people, both online and over the phone. Various videogames on the Wii/Gamecube (Mercury Meltdown Revolution, Beatles Rock Band, Super Monkey Ball), GBA (Final Fantasy VI), DS (Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box)… OMGPOP whenever people want to, an… interesting attempt at an MMORPG -cough-… Reading Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair and A Spot of Bother, falling asleep after lunch reading the latter… I watched Star Wars Ep. 4 The New Hope, and started watching the 3rd season of Doctor Who… And as you can see, I’ve been on Tumblr. A lot. And reblogged and written like crazy. Well, you may not be able to see the written part, but trust me… I’ve been at this computer for too long. I’ve practiced my violin a bunch, though (: Scales have never been so interesting. Or so comforting, either. I realized… How much it hurts to play. And how hard it is to keep the bow in a better place on the string =_=
Today is day of bus/Ala Moana/Ward adventures. Wish me luck, lol. MATHEMATICAL!
Let’s start with the fundamental letters: F and L, which add up to E. Fear, Love, and Everything. Fear and love balance each other out, and in this world I don’t think they can really be separated.
So one night I got to thinking that ”Why?” is a pretty essential question in life. It’s always asked. We always need a reason for something. We always need to know that reason. We always want to have these things laid clear out in front of us because we don’t want things to be unknown to us. We want to penetrate into the reaches of space to investigate all that we see is there, all that we speculate is there, all that he have been told is there. When things become a question of security, we ask the question why. We feel we have the right to.
Like when dealing with vowels, then, I thought, in life, the sounding letters are F and L, and sometimes, Y [why]. Yay for double meaning, yay for manipulation of letters and sounds and the alphabet.
So, if you have those three letters, put them together and you just don’t everything anymore. Now, we have fly. At the time I put together this, I don’t even really know what to call it, symbolic representation, we were making our physics song projects (ours dealing with gravity in space), and I had been thinking about people’s relationships with each other, particularly the idea of use (like Aristotle’s friendship of Utility).
See the “fly-by” in F L Y B Y (E)? Yeah, I was thinking about those gravitational assist maneuvers that those spacecrafts and whatnot use to their advantage to move through space, to their destinations. And I thought about people, about our desire to move forward, and about the tendency, sometimes, to take advantage of others or a situation in order to propel ourselves to get where we want to be. There are people who extend theirselves out like the gravity of planets, and they pull us in and help us along if we position ourselves just right and come in with the right attitude and things… With that assistance we fly. I question why we act that way, and its pretty simple, I guess. Who doesn’t want to survive, to have some claim to existence here? Who does want to feel hopeless and lost in space? We’ll survey our world, choose our favoirte plan of action, and fly, fear, love, and the eternal desire to question and find answers in hand.
We go off with fear because we don’t know the outcome. We can have all the courage, but there will always be, somewhere within, the fear that you will fail, the fear that something will go wrong, or the fear that no matter the action, it will be insufficient when placed under the judgment of others. I guess people could say that they’re the most courageous, but I’m certain that somewhere in this world there is something, some idea, some person, some memory, that will wipe that courage away in a blink, something that will break away the barriers of strength and confidence that have been built and leave the truth, the unprotected truth, exposed.
We go off with love because life starts with love. We love to explore, to move forward, to show that we have power and are improving. We love that we’re capable of going into space and solving the mysteries of the universe we’ve been placed in, even if we are just tiny, young beings compared to the entire universe. Sometimes, when we make our way through the world, we’re driven by love for others, and at other times, we’re just driven by love for ourselves. In space and in the real world, we’ll do what we can to move forward, to succeed, and love is there to balance out the fear we hold of messing up some of these things in our lives. We can hold love for the universe we live in and everything we find within it, as well, and we show it.
We ask why. We try to know why. We are sending things out into space, with some thought at a wave good-bye, to investigate those things that elude us.
I never forget the letter E, everything. It’s added here at the end, in parentheses, because in the end, that’s what we’re aiming for; everything. Now you’ve also got “bye”, you’ve got that final farewell to what you used to know and what you used to believe. Once you set off on a journey, no matter what you find or fail to find, just trying something new forces you to leave the perspective you once held of the world. F L Y B Y (E) is saying “bye” to all the assumptions we have made about other people, “bye” to the conceptions we had of the lives we’ve been living. In a way, this was also me saying “bye” to the simple F+L=E; Adding Y and noting the constant presence of Y in our lives is just waving good-bye to the simpler world that we used to live in, the moment before. The more we learn, the more we add, the more possibilities, the more complicated things get. And though knowledge gained sometimes makes things seem simpler… Eh, I don’t know.
This, then, is my explanation. The end. Fly away, good-bye.
1) I remembered and realized that I first fell asleep petting my cat and watching a kitten video that Grace had sent me
2) I ate a bigger breakfast than that I usually eat
3) I was and still am confused as to why my sister is not home
4) I was disappointed in the fact that there is no Sunny Delight or any canned juices in the house. At least we have a carton of POG? That’s what I drank. -sigh-
5) I could not believe I stayed up late doing what it is I did last night omg =_= I will be so stuck to this computer for the rest of my life.
6) I started reading through “Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair” by Pablo Neruda, and I realized that a) the poems are in both English and Spanish, side-by-side, so I am so excitedddddd!, b) I think a bunch of these poems have sexual meaning so that kind of disappoints me, and c) These poems are dark and depressing and I cannot completely understand them and thus what happened to all the skills I gained in AP Lit? -sobsob-
waterpark at night + people you love = best memories everrrr.
The fun was worth the sore state I’m in right now. Even if you weren’t there, thank you guys for all the great times. <3 So, pushing the sadness aside, let’s have a crazy summer together. [Lovelovelove now, I’ll miss you guys later. (:]
“I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.”—(via eletheowl)
I cracked open a fortune cookie today (gah, it was kind of an old one, lol) and the paper read:
"Do not hide your feelings. Let others know where you stand."
My sister, who was right next to me, immediately said, “I hate you.”
Gotta love your siblings.
(And, nah, as much as this fortune cookie creeps me out because it seems pretty reasonable a time to listen to it, with graduation being the end of a lot of things and all, I’m not going to follow this thing. These feelings are secrets, neh? ;D)
to ease the anxiety that has surfaced due to the pending impossible situation in which i must rise to greet the sun face to face and accept the unreality which is tomorrow’s graduation ceremony!
"i’m losing control and you just can’t stop me now / i’ll fight as long as time allows" (relient k - falling out)
my words are twisting and tumbling like fingers strung with lei yarn and my head is swimming like someone who’s ability is somewhat hindered by fear and lack of education and the act of becoming traumatzied -cough- and my body is crying out in mangled attempts at trying to force me to give up these useless time-wasting actions and ponderings in order to make me get the rest which i will require for tomorrow’s twenty-four hour day of graduation-ness.
the unreality approaches and the existence complains! i rest (in non-peace).
Yargh, today, I don’t know, was kind of whacky. And strange. And it definitely feels like summer. (:
Last night… was pretty free, thinking about how there were no more classes or any homework to worry about. I fell asleep right away when we’d gotten home from the last day of high school (ever D:) and was woken up in order to go to the Baccalaureate Ceremony, where we had to walk in by twos, held lit candles, sung our grad song and alma mater, and got blessed (with blue glitter!).
Then, lol, OMGPOP and nothing else. Well, Bieber was on American Idol for a little bit, so I watched that for a while, and then… Dinglepop and Draw My Thing and Pool and failure and viciousness and taunting and outright silliness followed for the rest of the night. And when everyone else was reasonable and went to sleep, I tried to write a post but just fell asleep doing that, haha.
Today: Song practice. =_= Woke up veryyyyy sleepy. We left 10 minutes earlier to account for the fact that we needed to be at school by 7:45am at latest, but we just ended up getting caught in major traffic. I didn’t fall asleep (for once in a long while) and… I’m not really sure what I did. I remember going into the ZIP lane and the guy in the van in front of us flipping us off. LOL.
Why was it so drizzly rainy?! It made for ickyness. Song practice actually ended early! Wow! I was frustrated by…those impatient people and incooperative people and just plain rude people. But neh, it went well in general and that’s all that matters, I think. The nerves build! Oh. And I got my chem stuff back (3 notebooks + 1 textbook). Oooogh, so heavy.
After getting shooed off campus I was happy to get to take a walk with Grace, Phoebe, Sarah, and Rubin to Ranch. I… watched Sarah and Phoebe make leis and watched Grace pull out yarn and listened to them talk about the past and the future and… other things. I realized that I don’t talk that much when I’m in groups. Or something. I don’t understand. @_@ I waved hello to a bunch of people. Yays. Oh underclassmen, I forgot we won’t see you again. =/
My mom picked me and my sisters up and hmgh, we went to renew my permit (lol yay, summer goal number 1 first prerequisite fulfileed, teehee), in which my picture now is ten bajillion times uglier and the card is ten bajillion times… weirder. In the hale there were the “Stop The Drop” entries (congrats all MoHS winners! I really liked Jessica Leung’s poem, omg). And then. That board lol that caught my attention, with that Tamara twin girl. Opala thingy?! Such a shock. And I was just standing there staring at it, with the TV thing playing an episode. I think the security guard was just wondering what was wrong with me.
Home: Flash games, super hot weather conditions, responding to emails (‘cause I haven’t checked my… real email in a long time), singing loud and obnoxiously to songs off of Infinity on High. Now… waste more time until Mene Stars. Whoopee. (:
I’m not actually starting to be a little excited about tomorrow. Mostly I’m kind of afraid… But -crosses fingers- HERE WE GO GUYSSSSS, YEAH.
Reminders to self: -final transcript (+$1) -ms. nishite -dress! and shoes! and PG clothes! and instructions! -astronomy book and other scioly things back to rags’
Now Playing: Our Time Now - Plain White T’s (oh shuffling power, you amaze me)
Less than 5 hours to write my social autobiography!
Here. I. Go.
Great way to start the last day of high school, ever.
I will fight this senioritis.
I refuse to fall asleep trying. (:
Oh and physics, if you kick my butt today… I will cry. I will seriously cry. And probably just sleep during the test because I don’t want to deal with stupid things like that. Or. I’m just lazy and want a chance to sleep.
Rose: “I… I love you.” The Doctor: “And quite right too. And I suppose, if it’s my last change to say it: Rose Tyler …”
OMG, I wouldn’t have cried at this scene if The Doctor hadn’t cried. Imagine that. 2:00 AM on a Sunday morning, sitting in front of this laptop, the Season 2 disc whirring away… ;_; I was just so… sad after this episode. D:
Kind of. You know these things will never get accomplished.
LEARN TO DRIVE. -coughcoughcough- I think this also includes a “renew permit” prerequisite as well as a “get glasses frames readjusted because you’ve slept with them on too many times so the frames are a little bent out of shape” prerequisite. Oh and I guess I need to find a teacher. I think.
Finish (the story part at least) of Professor Layton 2!
READ TONS OF MANGA YEAHHHHH. Fry my brains.
WATCH TONS OF MOVIES (I have not watched sooooo many and I want to, esp those ones that everyone is supposed to have watched like the Titanic. And Star Wars.) AND TV SHOWS. YEAHHHHH. Fry my eyes.
LEARN TO COOK SOMETHING! YEAHHHH. Fry my fingers (teehee).
Return all the things to people I need to return… namely books from senior project time, uh-oh.
Before #6, read all the relatively understandable biochemistry portions of the books from senior project time. And the guides to creating a happy healing environment. I can’t remember the phrase I need…
Make use of beads! BE CREATIVE AGAIN! -sigh- I need to find my pliers. And my box of findings. Where oh where could you be… PLUS, I must somehow get crimping pliers. And figure out how to use them. 8DDDD
FILL EACH DAY WITH LIFE! And fill each day in my Moleskine every evening, rather than weeks later. I need to catch up ;_;
Improve piano playing skills! Disney songs only! Lolol, jk.
Practice the violin often and memorize pieces for last recital. -teartear- (Not jk.)
Eat less snack food. Or… eat less gross snack food.
Read the things that are piling up, like A Tour of the Calculusand Paolo Coelho’s El Zahir (which is in Spanish) and the issue of People magazine that was bought at the same time that is also in Spanish, Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despairby Pablo Neruda, and I still need to finish Mark Haddon’s A Spot of Bother. OOOOH, this is going to be painful.
DRINK MORE DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE, mmmmmmmmm.
Review chemistry! -lovelovelovelovelove-
Play Starfox on the Super Nintendo LOL and not fail on the easy path in the first few levels. -sigh-
This list is open to the addition of more “goals”, if necessary. PRONE TO FAILUREEEEEEEEEE… Whatever. ADVENTURE!
Si yo pudiera ir a la luna, construiría, con amor, una casa, Y si yo necesitara trabajar para pagar las cuentas, trabajaría para NASA. Si quisieras ir conmigo, compraría un nave especial, Y en la noche fría, si miraramos unas películas, las palomitas no tendrían sal.
Pasaría mi vida entera contigo, si tuviera el tiempo.
If I could go to the moon, I would build, with love, a house, And if I needed to work to pay the bills, I’d work for NASA. If you wanted to come with me, I’d buy a spaceship, And in the cold night, if we watched some movies, the popcorn will not have salt.
I would spend my entire life with you, if I had the time.
Sure, I’m a super dependent human being. Sure, I guess the questions I’m asking are pretty stupid. Sure, I’ve got to learn to be more independent.
But it really hurts when I ask a question about doing something, or explain what I’m having problems with, or ask you for help, you just scold me and end up telling me something along the lines of “If you can’t even do this, then you’ll never survive college.” Or, with homework, when I’m talking about my workload just to vent, or just try to explain why I need to get home more quickly, you tell me “You think this is hard? If you can’t handle this now, you’ll never survive college.” By me talking about the homework we have to do, I’m not saying that its hard or that I can’t handle it, shit. I just need someone to listen to me and just not or be like it’s okay. Or from you, I need to hear that you’ll give me time to focus and just leave me alone for a bit (‘cause sometimes that’s all I want, to be alone, you know? But in this situation where you keep watch of everything I do, I need to tell you that so you don’t interrupt me and intrude and bother me, ‘cause otherwise you’ll just go ahead and push your way and your demand onto people ‘cause you’ve got all the power to do so).
I’m such a child for being so hurt by these things. My attitude should be, why the hell should what someone else says matter?
Everything, everything, everything. You tell me I won’t survive. You tell me I’m inadequate now.
If you say something enough times to a person, even if what you say isn’t true, they’ll start believing it.
Pretty soon it’ll be the only thing they hear, echoing over and over and over in their heads.