Weekend recap for my own memory’s sake (well this actually does not help much if I cannot remember what happened either):
Friday - furlough day. Piano rehearsal for Solofest. Did not go as well, but it was fine. YS rehearsal in the evening, for once I was not falling asleep.
Saturday - mom & dad’s anniversary. Solofest at 8:00am. It was ok. Viotti Concerto #23 (I), I believe, minus the cadenza. Project Grad steak plate sales at school, scooping rice and sorting recyclables (disgusting…)
Sunday - so-called Valentine’s day. Stayed home. OMGPOP and chatting. Finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Learned a strange amount of new things about videogames.
Monday - President’s day Yama’s Fish Market for lunch and yogurt covered pretzels. YS rehearsal at the normal time. I did fall asleep. -cough- I blame the pretzels.
I am… not good for this week. Or for the rest of this school year. I need… to cure this senioritis. ARGH.
And formspringer, whoever you are, how can I answer your question if you do not respond to my question… since I have no idea what you are talking about?
Leave me ponderings/revelations/random things. [x] [x]
BTW, just to irritate the heck out of you curious people, I made a, I guess, secret blog, but not without reason, haha. ;D That there is a hint in some sort of form or fashion, but eh, it’s too unclear of a hint to serve anyone any good. And that’s all.
I actually woke up on my own this morning before 9:00am , which is pretty good considering that usually when I stay up until 3 I need to be forced awake before 10…
Just like some of the past winter holidays, today is a “downtime” and we’re just sitting around the home. Actually, I’m supposed to be doing homework (which I kind of am but I will get to that later) but as usual, when our family has time at the home, my parents like to make us clean things… like they washed the car earlier and I helped a little bit. I don’t know why the sun was nice but it seemed like just being out there was draining me. Haha.
I’ve been trying to work on my sociology project, which at this point, is certain to be a disaster unless I change my topic. But if I change it… really, what am I going to do it on? Then I’d also have to work on it even more last minute… And I already bought the board from Ben Franklins that would work well. I have a layout already. I just… don’t have content. How can I be accurate with this information? I can make a lot of judgments from outside perspective… but that’s not researched information. Then again, I can generalize the topic even further, or actually go by analyzing what my generalization was… but that might make me seem even more idiotic and misinformed than I already am (curse presentations in front of more judgmental peers). I think I’m going to ask her to change topics. I mean, that will only give me one day to work on it… but hey, I’m used to that already. I probably would’ve done majority of it on that day anyway. I guess that’s what I’ve got to remind myself to do.
OMGPOP = horrible distraction. Especially if other are using the winning/losing thing as a way to try to get information out of me… -coughcough-
Uhm. I’m tired. I don’t remember what I was doing. I mean, what I was doing before I am back to writing this post and before I just read a whole lot of… stuff that was kind of cute and kind of made me feel like ack because lol I’m not sure.
Hrm. I’m not making sense. Life hasn’t been making sense recently. That’s fine. I’ll look back on this blog some day and laugh my guts out at how silly I was. Just looking back to my first posts kind of made me realize how much has changed, as well. I like how the posts looked back then; clean, simple, honestly me. They were my pictures and quotes I had picked out and my feelings - I was staying true to the ana:lies point of me making this.
Oh and I was reading about the Tumblr founder and it was quite interesting.
Ok. I’m sad thinking about the past. I’m tired thinking of the future. I’m frustrated thinking of the present. And… I guess I’m hopeful overall. I just… Nyah. I want everyone to be happy. And I feel that there are many things that I have been making mistakes in recently, and those mistakes certainly haven’t been good. Maybe they’re not that major either, but… they’re mistakes that I feel have been letting people down. Did you expect more of me? I’m sorry if I’ve come through as a bad friend.
I’m still trying to learn and understand. It seems I keep missing things, though. I’m going to try to be more attentive…
Yesterday/last night was probably the most… relaxed of the week? I don’t know. There were a lot of stressful things, but yesterday sure felt a lot better than the rest of the week was. I don’t know. Is worrying better than feeling depressed? 8D It’s not that bad though — yesterday I felt I learned a lot. I’m socked that I got on the computer close to… 8:30 pm I think? And I stayed up to about 3. The whole time was spent chatting and playing games; ridiculous. I didn’t get anything done. But I felt somewhat more in tune with life afterwards.
Man, I set my phone alarm for 7:00 am. I wanted to try to wake up early so I could have more of a day… Especially since later I’ve got rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal… Ick, lol. But silly me, when the alarm went off, I woke up and hurriedly shut it off. =P Not even just “snooze.” I distinctly remember fumbling around and then accidentally hitting snooze, and then thinking briefly about it again and how I didn’t really want to wake up at all… so I turned it off. And woke up at about 10.
Hahaha… That’s okay, though. It gave me reason to eat a smaller breakfast. Ew, breakfast.
I’ve done my practicing for the day. I… am hating the music for HYS if only for the fact that they have the same irritating “run pony” rhythmns and changing time signatures. I’m kind of sad that I don’t actually have any math homework to do… I really want to do math homework right now, lol.
Yesterday: Chap 12 Test. I hate that I didn’t remember what turns into a scalar when dealing with vectors. ARGH. And stupid mistakes, as usual, on the benchmark make up… I always forget to put the radical in and then I don’t take the square roots that I need to. Grr…
After a gruesome lesson in the afternoon (shit, I can’t play my solofest piece that well anymore. Where is my warm toneeeee. D= I need to improve.) I was dragged to the gloomy rainy place called Millilani (but I do love their trees) to watch the central district spelling be. Middle schoolers… get funny words, haha. Most kids got knocked out in the second round =/. My sister got words like this: centipede, xylophone, affinity, fathom, and mole (“mo-lay”). It was the mole that got her. Poor her and the other girl… They were knocked out in that round both with Spanish-like words. But in my head I was laughing because when she got affitnity, I thought of electron affinity and then when she got mole… (: Yay chemistry.
Mkay, I think I’m going to try and get something done for once.
Have a good Valentine’s Day/Chinese New Years weekend guys.
And sorry again for all the reblogging and for these darn pointless posts.
“Life is the ability to feel so happy you think your insides are going to explode. It’s being so upset or disappointed you feel as if your stomach just dropped ten feet out of place. It’s running so hard you can barely breathe. It’s that feeling of panic when you know you’ve been caught doing something wrong. It’s having that sudden rush before you kiss someone you care about. It’s opening your eyes and feeling them sting because you spent the whole night crying. It’s letting people go, but letting new ones come in and all the while realizing that life doesn’t have purpose unless you let it.”—(via raindropsonredroses)
I don’t love stars. I guess they’re cool? 8D Outer space kind of frightens me. (YES GRACE IT DOES). And stars are too far away for me to completely love, even though they gave their lives for us to be alive.
Well, I haven’t been in the mood lately for writing, and I gues I’ve also just been finding less and less confidence or trust in what I’ve been putting out there. I’ve been looking back at old works and I’ve been cringing at my naivety. I mean, I guess that’s what should be expected, and that I have moved on… but it’s still kind of tires me to think about how little I understood then, and still how little I understand now.
I guess that’s why I’ve gravitated towards science/math. I like the security you can have, with the rules, with the tests that guarantee a certain answer, with known patterns and results that will definitely be the same the next time you do the problem… I mean, physics probably bothered me more at the beginning of the year than it does now because I didn’t like that if you apply some of it to real life, things may not turn out as expected. Chemistry felt so much more secure for me, but now that I think about it, chemistry in the “real world”, not just the problems in the textbook or the controlled experiments run in the lab with detailed instructions, depends heavily on specific conditions, that are changing too.
Even now I’m losing where these words and thoughts are going.
I’m going to go back to working on determining if these series and sequences diverge or converge. I hate patterns, honestly, but I certainly do prefer this to putting down my inadequate thoughts in a horrible draft of a scholarship essay. Or the Heart of Darkness essay that I still do not have a topic or thesis for.
I really let myself get tired of thinking. It’s only 8:30 pm and I wish I could sleep.
Maybe I’ll go practice after I finish these problems.
I’ve come to find that when I’m not feeling good, I put my hands to work. When I’m feeling the worst, I’m at the piano. Since borrowing those two old movie piano books, they’ve been what I’ve been tackling with my fingers. And this old music… I love arpeggios, triplets, and sixteenth notes. If not, I’ll go grab my violin and practice some more for SoloFest. I couldn’t stay awake during orchestra class today; it came to the point that I didn’t realize my bow was tilting over, and it almost hit Keli. But I don’t think she noticed either… We were both pretty out of it today. I wish we’d play Capriccio Espagnole first more often (like last class period), because at least that song forces me to wake up and concentrate. Merry Wives of Windsor is so pretty, but seriously, those bajillion bars of whole note Cs kill my level of alertness.
I think I like the computer most because it keeps my hands occupied. This constant typing and using of the eys really keeps me occupied. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, that I always need something to do. I… kind of don’t think I want to try to understand myself anymore. I don’t like the way I am, or who I’ve become, and just thinking about it kind of makes me feel sick.
But don’t worry guys. I’ll get over this “funk” soon. I just need to break this attachment to the computer and to the internet and just focus on leaving these negative feelings and thoughts behind. (:
Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.
(And sorry for all the reblogging. I’m just finding a lot of stuff recently that temporarily lifts me out of this pensive state.)
“If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, my parents would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them. They’re quite touchy about anything like that, especially my father. They’re nice and all - I’m not saying that - but they’re also touchy as hell. Besides, I’m not going to tell you my whole goddam autobiography or anything.”—J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye (via first-lines)
I don’t know if its evident from those past few pictures I’ve reblogged, but I’m feeling in the mood for silence and conversation using eyes and fingers. Forget sound and talking — I was playing old movie music from from two thick books of piano arrangements borrowed from the library (as had been along with the stack of science/math books) earlier, and it was nice. I like their sound, and even though I have the most difficult time playing them with their large chords and sixteenth-note rhythms, I felt calm. It’s funny; I haven’t seen any of the movies that the songs had come from, but I certainly have heard those songs before. And their melodies were oh-so-captivating and fun to sing. Yes I sang. I like singing. I just don’t sing so well.
But anyway, to the current avoidance of other sound. I’d practiced my solofest piece twice and a few parts of Capriccio Espagnol from memory. I couldn’t stand listening to myself play, though. My arms and wrists are stiff and I get really tired when I play. (Bad posture? I guess I regret not really paying attention to that when I first started playing.) My A on the violin is fraying and the dominant thought is “OH SHIT IT BETTER NOT BREAK BEFORE SATURDAY.” I think that’s going to be my excuse for not practicing or using my violin unless I need to — no overworking the string!
Ok, now I’m thinking I sound irritating.
It’s a slow and quiet night and it doesn’t feel like I have a lot of homework to do. Actually, I think I could actually finish up everything I could possibly have due in this one night. I don’t feel like initiating conversation. I’m fine with the conversations that are running, but presently, I don’t feel quite “alive.”
This tired state is probably the aftereffect of the past weekend spent staying up late. Caring. About people. About life. About what can and can not happen, about what did happen and what will. I’ve looked back at my old roleplay threads (yes, Dusty, I saw that RR revived and I thank you for speaking on my behalf. I don’t think I could ever go back) and I’ve cringed at my own writing. I’ve thought about middle school and the person I used to be, about what one sees only by looking back, and about what people perceive.
Tonight, I think I’m content with feeling a little empty.
I hate the excerpts from Achebe’s essay on Heart of Darkness. The writing style is what got me first. The content is what got me next. It’s even hearder to understand, for me, than Conrad’s writing itself. I am very not pleased with this stack of paper right now. NOT AT ALL.
despite accidentally falling asleep on grace (and anthony) on AIM before midnight yesterday in the middle of studying for the science olympiad… and waking up at 6:40 am to an angry father ranting about how i left two computers on… things turned out okay. i am very very very sorry for falling asleep =_=. think of all the energy i wasted too. D=
anyway. today. panic mode in the am, after signing on to see what i had missed: grace’s messages
gpoo (11:38:28 PM): romee do you need my voice
gpoo (11:38:30 PM): to awaken you
gpoo (11:38:35 PM): the soothing sounds of my screech voice
gpoo (11:39:46 PM): NO WAKE UP
gpoo (12:42:25 AM): romee
gpoo (12:42:26 AM): don’t
gpoo (12:42:28 AM): make me call you
gpoo (12:42:29 AM): LOL
gpoo (12:44:02 AM): omg
gpoo (12:44:03 AM): -fail-
gpoo (1:36:27 AM): UGHAHHHH
and anthony’s messages
ac (11:48:38 PM): fack how do u multiply 2 matrices with 3 rows and columns?
ac (11:49:19 PM): romee wake up
ac (12:05:32 AM): romeeeeeeeee o.o
ac (12:40:01 AM): omg u fell asleep on me >=O
and my phone, bearing 6 missed calls, 1 voicemail, and one text message.
ended up at LCC and it was supahhhh cold (wind + wet hair + ineffective jacket combined effect). bag of sour cream and onion lays, laptop, various satellite books, a bag filled with writing materials and electronic devices that i hurredly grabbed.
competition lol i liked being grace’s partner. and making up answers. and copying answers straight from notes (thank goodness!). drew a moustached :D face on raymond’s arm (yes it really was me). in the process i panicked when he started moving and then i ran right into marissa and then we laughed… 8D btw, raymond waking up = zombie coming to life. like seriously lol. and sleeping on bench = looking like a hobo.
later, possibly the best solofest rehearsal i’ve ever had. of course, i practiced for an hour before then, missing the awards ceremony for the competition (but then hearing the results afterwards via telephone, YAYYYYY i’m so proud of everyone~).why is my piece so long… at least no one is insane enough to come early next week to watch me play HEEHEE.
then, senior luau. well, i can write about that another time. it was…. interesting. plus i got to be part of the rainbow.
This has become one of the songs that I will now associate with SO camp 2010 (: It’s funny to think that the first album I ever bought was 1.22.03 Acoustic. Of course, I didn’t know what I was doing back then… but that track, neh, it feels like its created yet another circle on my timeline. Finding this on my dashboard now made me smile.