ana:lies

All the pieces to the puzzle are right here.
(Remember I said to take count of the missing pieces?
Well that’s only for hearts;
This is pieces of people.)
It is so obvious
Omg it is so so obvious it kind of makes me want to go
And delete delete delete
But deleting your history
Is like deleting you, in present time.
Present you cannot exist without past you.

Words:
I need better ones
That disguise how I truly feel.

theskeletondance:

A friend of mine recently told me that there’s no such thing as feminism, because feminism is a word made up by sexist women. The funny thing is, I think he’s right.

T.T

(By the way, Pan, can you figure out who Santa is?)

Woah, I only saw this now. =_= Sorry Dusty. And… it’s like 2:40 AM homigosh I too am so dead… And I’m not certain about Santa’s identity, but if I had to pick a person I would pick Nick. Nick seems like the person to make proclamations like that. With reasoning.

Funny thing is I just saw a post about feminism. Hmmm…

Who’s to say there’s no such thing? (:

The existence of ideas is not quite the same thing as the existence of physical objects, but still, I’d like to believe that if something is thought of, then it exists in some way… though some people may deny that existence or label it as something else. Teehee. Brain hurting. No more of this existence/non-existence stuff. Aliens…

how can you tell me “sad, i’m so sad”
and ask “are you sure about cancer research? are you

being driven by cancer research now?”
when the whole reason i’m decided to follow this path
was because of you
all you?
i know you’re disappointed
i don’t think you realize it
but i’m disappointed in myself too
i don’t think you see it
but i feel sick every time i look at these applications
every time i look at these essay prompts
every time i start writing down these failed words
and try to force myself to get somewhere
and try to break this damn barrier i created for myself
far before the beginning of this summer

this is because of you
i’m not blaming you
but the future i chose for myself
was all for you
all for you
all for you

i only know school, i only know science, i only know

academics
i can’t do anything without thinking about it
i can’t just write and notice how disjointed everything

is
i just can’t stand this anymore
i can’t stand this feeling
that no matter what i do, i’ve already fallen too far

behind
and there’s no way i can reach the finish line anymore

it makes me sick to talk to my friends
to hear their voicemail messages
asking me for help on homework
i hadn’t even considered starting
it makes me sick hearing them start to celebrate

admission into colleges
i’m jealous
i’m scared
i’m sad
i’m lost
i don’t want to be in this position
i don’t really know what to do

i’m missing pieces
i really lost the person i was before
i miss that drive
i look at the practice personal statement
we wrote a tthe beginning of junior year
junior year was the best year ever
i was happy
so happy
i loved being alive
i loved school
i loved not being held down by thoughts
of another “you”
when did “you” become so important to me
i don’t think you even are anymore
i wasted all my time thinking
this past summer
and falling apart
because i didn’t know why
i let myself do that
i dont’ know
why i decided to half-ass everything
i don’t know
i didn’t know how to live

chemistry was my love
nothing made me happier
and as the last period of the day
it always drove me to stay happy throughout school
god those were good days
i want to go back
i want to have a future like that
day after day
the same topic
the same people
the same place
doing things
for the future
learning is for the future
falling apart is trying to reach the past

if i get a future in cancer research
i think i’d be so bored
but everything you want me to do
is so boring
i’m so lazy
i don’t want to do anything
i want to stay in the present
that way i don’t have to move
time will move around me
i will get left behind
i dont’ think i’m ok with that
oh well

i’m hurting right now
the bags under my eyes will never go away
i’ve been feeling thinner
that feeling will never fade

you’re not joking
i don’t think i will again
i’m tired
i don’t really want to wake up tomorrow morning
i love the sun and the clouds and the cat that looks out

the window
but i don’t really want to see them
if i don’t deserve to
i don’t want to try anymore
i don’t want to run this race if i start an hour behind

the others
i know wasted effort
don’t waste your effort on me

let me write sad thoughts forever
let me write fakely optimistic buddy infos forever
let me write down the truth forever
let me write down your lies forever
let me stop with this repetition
it gets old
so does feeling sad
but i’ve been sad since summer
i guess i’m old
that’s ok
i never felt young

ok enough emo dose, let me suffer through this essay

again
i’ll try
just because i don’t want to let my life slip down into a

land of no accomplishment
then i’d really want to die
‘cause i don’t want to be a falling star
i don’t want to know what happens when i land

• cow cartoons
• my sister’s cuteness
• how leo remembers the lee sisters’ names
• food from pizza hut
• racism
• a mongoose
• what time rehearsals end
• chicken being perceived as spaghetti with bok choy
• the similarity between sibling pairs at school
• ten ________ _______ vs. one _______ _______
• time
• ominous text messages
• lol it apparently being punishment from some higher being if a girl looked like rl HAHAHA

ok i don’t remember much more. this is from one time period in the day. i can’t remember much else from the rest of the day.

oh except for the fact that I learned that sponberg is going out with kimura and that kyle has a really weird and kind of irritating… reaction, so to say, to my sister and I. His expression cracked me up when he said “Please come” and I just said no but he kept that expression on, like his face could win me over, so I hit that freshie face with a rubberband saved from the packaging of lunch from the snack bar. Um and today sponberg was chewing gum in orch class which really pissed me off.

First full orchestra rehearsal was today, omg it went by pretty quickly and we didn’t sound that bad. It was ok up to the point that I felt that the trumpets/brass section minus the french horn and tuba, were blaring and overplaying, I just really didn’t like how they sounded. Woodwinds are pretty amazing too, except someone in the flutes/piccolo… Is always out of tune. I realized I need to practice more, ehe, at least I’m hitting most of the notes well, it just doesn’t sound as clear as it should probably be.

Brain failing. Inconsistency disturbing. Tired. I don’t want to reflect right now.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING! (:

• Stop swearing (or at least eliminate use of fuck)
• Finish college essays / personal statements by the end of November
• Organize binders
• Go to sleep before midnight more than one day a week
• Drink more water
• Stop stuffing face with chocolate upon return home
• Make wishlists
• Practice!
• Stop letting some people get to me
• Start/finish pending “Starfall”
• Stop signing onto AIM
• Stop spending too much time on Tumblr
• Be continuously optimistic
• Stop saying/thinking “I HATE…”
• Smile. Always. Forever. For everyone. For you.

monoxidestar:

hmmm…

When Madame de Pompadour Kristen Stewart became the mistress girlfriend of Louis XV Rob Pattinson , no one expected her to retain his affections for long. A member of the bourgeoisie Team Jacob rather than an aristocrat Team Edward, she was physically too cold hot for the carnal Bourbon Vampire king, and had so many enemies that she could not travel publicly without risking a pelting of mud and stones crazed fans and paparazzi.

 (This put a large smile on my face. =D)