it’s one of those nights when i just feel so angry… just angry because the reality sinks in that some people are know are really just kind of not the people i have hoped for them to be… like, they’re not good enough. and the anger is anger at myself for thinking that, and then anger at them for not being more… and then anger at just feeling like i didn’t choose the right people to spend time with. like i made the wrong decision with friends, somehow. like maybe everything is just too disappointing that i’m angry at how disappointing everything is.
i can’t help feeling that if these people were true friends, they’d stop and try to ask me what’s wrong and try to talk it out rather than just playing their dumb lighten the mood shit. or maybe i’m just that terrible a person by expecting them to deal with my crappy treatment. i don’t know. i also can’t help but feel that you, you there reading this, will always be so much closer to understanding me than they ever will.
and this, what is the reason for this? is it just the fact that you have been given these thoughts of mine just tossed out because i need to get them out? instead of having to get past that barrier of getting me to bare these thoughts to you? or having to be the one to just initiate this dive into the deep?
i’ve always felt uncomfortable if people are obviously not content, and people don’t talk to them about it. it’s kind of a shitty task to just be the one to say, what’s wrong, want to talk about it? but it’s a task i force myself to take even though i know i won’t like what i’m going to hear. but i hate the feeling of wanting to blow up within myself, and i sure as hell don’t want others to feel that too.
just, good riddance. some days i don’t know how people can get through life alone, but maybe if they’ve just been fed up with the constant disappointment other people are, i can potentially see how just avoiding people forever would be preferable.
then again, is that a weakness, not being able to accept others flaws?
i just need someone to talk to rather than just pat me on the shoulder like that makes everything better. just bullshit.
“And when you love a book, commit one glorious sentence of it - perhaps your favourite sentence - to memory. That way you won’t forget the language of the story that moved you to tears.”—John Irving (via amandaonwriting)
Relay program chair (freshman girl who has been getting on my nerves) posted that cancer girl w/father wedding photos to the Relay group page. She then commented, “it’s time to cry guys! haha!”
Yes, I cried, but it sure as hell wasn’t funny.
I have spent so much time this past year thinking about what it means to lose people you love, what it feels like to actually have the people you know and used to see on a daily basis just be gone, out of your life. I hate this kind of feeling of anticipation, hope, to see this person again, even though I won’t, not in any of my conscious moments. And I think about people that lose family when they’re really young, and I wonder how they go on. Because it’s really weird. I can’t stop thinking about it. And it breaks my heart over and over again.
I can’t even look at pictures of the past without crying, so I am just really, really, REALLY over people like this.
I’m sure I was in her state of immaturity and unawareness about the community at a point in my life. But it doesn’t make me think any better of her at the moment, so I know it’s time to just let it go.